Why did I stay

Over the last month I have been asked to share our story in an interview that someone is working on for a possible TV. I have to say it is not easy going back through and going through all the gory details. We are used to telling the condensed version of the story.

We let jobs, kids and depression and other people come between us in our marriage and it very nearly ended in divorce due to infidelity. While I hated the idea of being a divorced woman, I did not see a way out of it in light of all that had occurred. I was preparing for my future as a single woman. I had been offered a job in Nashville, we had the divorce papers drawn up, we just had to file them. Then in a last minute rescue mission our marriage was saved due to prayers, repentance and a changed heart for both of us. I had felt all along that it could be saved. I even told people that I felt like we would reconcile especially once the other woman was no longer in the picture. I trusted God to heal us, but at the same time I had to take steps to move forward in case we didn't get there due to hardened hearts.

When he came back and asked to work it out, I didn't trust him to mean it. I had heard that story before only to have him change his mind and tell me he didn't want to work it out anymore. He bruised my heart on more than one occasion and trust was no where to be found in me.

While being interviewed I was asked why I stayed after he cheated. I didn't know what the faith background of the people I was talking to so I wasn't sure how to explain it if they didn't understand the concept of forgiveness in Christ how did I tell them that if it were not for the fact that we are called to forgive I could not do it? The pain was very real and the lack of trust was overwhelming, but in the end it came down to love. I loved him, to this very day I still do. I may not be very good at showing it at times and I let myself get distracted very easily, but no matter what I love him. I knew that if he was willing to make this work then I could forgive and we would take steps to fix us.

We began praying together every night and I got a job that I was surrounded by fun people all day. That helped me a lot because after 6 years of being a Stay Home Mom, I had not had real adult interaction that did not involve a play date or at least a mom's night out. I was happy again and he was too.

Over the last 3 years we have been working on learning how to have a good marriage and we have been telling our story to help others not go down the road and make the bad choices that we did. Do we follow our own advice? I would love to say we do, but unfortunately we are human and we make mistakes. I'm a Stay home mom again and while I have more adult interaction than I did, it is still not enough. He works multiple jobs and is gone from us a lot and we don't have the family time that we need. We also don't pray together like we should. Why am I saying this now? Because I am saying that it is easy to screw up again and we do and we will, but when we realize that we are doing it, we have to stop and take a look at the choices we have made and look at ourselves and change ourselves. I can't force him to be faithful to me for the rest of my life, just like he can't force me to have a smile on my face all the time. The key is to work on yourself and pray for the other person and let God take care of it. We can only change ourselves and sometimes it takes being shaken to the core to realize you screwed up again. 3 years ago I was shaken to the core when he cheated, but out of that I looked within and changed me and drew closer to God.

I have to admit, I have not been doing my part lately and I just now realized it. So do I regret staying? No, I do not it was what was best for my family, do I think we will always stay together I hope so and pray that we will, but if we don't keep God in the center of our marriage I can guarantee we won't survive. So let me encourage you. Please! Please keep God in the center of your marriage. Pray for each other, pray together and grow in Christ, because without Him there is no chance.

bad choices

At some point in our lives we all make bad choices. Sometimes those choices hurt us and sometimes they hurt others, but someone always gets hurt. It is easy to look back after bad choice was made and see why it was a bad choice and how you could have avoided, but the hard truth is you change it once it happens. We can either choose to live in the past and hold onto past hurts resulting from bad choices or we can let it go. That is easier said than done of course, but in all comes down forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not saying that what someone did was ok, it is saying that you are going to let it go and let God handle it. The same goes for forgiving yourself. If you kick yourself for everything you have done, you just end up miserable. I have begun to learn that confessing it to God and to whomever you hurt is the best way to be free of the unforgiveness for yourself.

Forgiveness is actually not for the forgiven it is for the forgiver. Releasing the forgiven from the bondage of your hurt while it may good for them to know it also releases you. god tells us to forgive others as He has forgiven us. If we don't forgive others then how can we expect God to be forgiving when the things we have done that has hurt Him are so much worse.

I fight with myself quite often about letting go of past hurts that I have committed. Hind sight is 20/20. We can easily look back and see where we have hurt people, but at the time we either didn't realize it or just didn't care. I tend to fall into the I didn't realize it more times than not, but there are those occasional times where I want the other person to hurt because they hurt me.

The Bible tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. I know I screw that up, A LOT! I was raised to speak my mind and while there are times that is a good thing there are times it is not. I find myself trying to fix the situation and sometimes I just make it worse. I hate hurting people, especially people I love and yet I do it. I have baggage from my past that I have tried to carry around with me and it just keeps getting heavier making my back hurt and making me cranky.

I have to work on me right now and deal with all of that baggage. While a few years ago I did deal with some of it, I think I left some of it behind. I feel as tho past hurts have caused me to be angry with myself for letting them happen. I think of all the things I could have done to keep them from happening and I hate myself for it, even tho most of the hurts that I have held onto could not have been stopped. I was young and not very strong. Now I am strong and older, but those same insecurities keep coming back to haunt me.

Oh if there were only some magic pill that would make me forget all the pain in my life. I've called it depression and to a point it is, and I have been trying my hardest to deal with that, but I think also there is that young girl in me that is screaming and doesn't want to let go of what hurt me.

I don't have answers to any of this. I try to forgive and I confess, but somehow I always fall short. I can't believe it is all my fault. I have to believe that there are outside forces at work. They put those seeds of doubt in our mind and cause us to withdraw to keep from being hurt again. When we withdraw from one thing we look for something else to fill that void. For me it was reading and being on my computer. For others it might be someone else or drugs or alcohol. We all desire to feel important, we just don't always go about attaining that desire in the best way.

So there is no revelation here there is only regret. Regret at mistakes and regret at words. May we all find a way to forgive each other and ourselves.