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I'm a mother of two beautiful girls. I think Sarcasm is a spiritual gift, even Jesus was sarcastic. I have no patience for people who are not real. I'm a Christian, but I hate how so many Christians have made that a bad word. My goal is to be a strong woman who loves God and encourages other women to do the same. I love upcycling and building things from repurposed items and reclaimed wood. We as women don't always see ourselves for the amazing women we are. It took me a lot of pain and hard work to find out who I am and what I am passionate about. I want other women to find their passions and not let others hold them back. Maybe some of my posts and projects that I will post will encourage other women to be who God wants them to be.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

bad choices

At some point in our lives we all make bad choices. Sometimes those choices hurt us and sometimes they hurt others, but someone always gets hurt. It is easy to look back after bad choice was made and see why it was a bad choice and how you could have avoided, but the hard truth is you change it once it happens. We can either choose to live in the past and hold onto past hurts resulting from bad choices or we can let it go. That is easier said than done of course, but in all comes down forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not saying that what someone did was ok, it is saying that you are going to let it go and let God handle it. The same goes for forgiving yourself. If you kick yourself for everything you have done, you just end up miserable. I have begun to learn that confessing it to God and to whomever you hurt is the best way to be free of the unforgiveness for yourself.
Forgiveness is actually not for the forgiven it is for the forgiver. Releasing the forgiven from the bondage of your hurt while it may good for them to know it also releases you. god tells us to forgive others as He has forgiven us. If we don't forgive others then how can we expect God to be forgiving when the things we have done that has hurt Him are so much worse.
I fight with myself quite often about letting go of past hurts that I have committed. Hind sight is 20/20. We can easily look back and see where we have hurt people, but at the time we either didn't realize it or just didn't care. I tend to fall into the I didn't realize it more times than not, but there are those occasional times where I want the other person to hurt because they hurt me.
The Bible tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. I know I screw that up, A LOT! I was raised to speak my mind and while there are times that is a good thing there are times it is not. I find myself trying to fix the situation and sometimes I just make it worse. I hate hurting people, especially people I love and yet I do it. I have baggage from my past that I have tried to carry around with me and it just keeps getting heavier making my back hurt and making me cranky.

I have to work on me right now and deal with all of that baggage. While a few years ago I did deal with some of it, I think I left some of it behind. I feel as tho past hurts have caused me to be angry with myself for letting them happen. I think of all the things I could have done to keep them from happening and I hate myself for it, even tho most of the hurts that I have held onto could not have been stopped. I was young and not very strong. Now I am strong and older, but those same insecurities keep coming back to haunt me.

Oh if there were only some magic pill that would make me forget all the pain in my life. I've called it depression and to a point it is, and I have been trying my hardest to deal with that, but I think also there is that young girl in me that is screaming and doesn't want to let go of what hurt me.

I don't have answers to any of this. I try to forgive and I confess, but somehow I always fall short. I can't believe it is all my fault. I have to believe that there are outside forces at work. They put those seeds of doubt in our mind and cause us to withdraw to keep from being hurt again. When we withdraw from one thing we look for something else to fill that void. For me it was reading and being on my computer. For others it might be someone else or drugs or alcohol. We all desire to feel important, we just don't always go about attaining that desire in the best way.

So there is no revelation here there is only regret. Regret at mistakes and regret at words. May we all find a way to forgive each other and ourselves.

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