What you need to know

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I am a mother of two beautiful, grown women. I believe sarcasm is the sixth love language and I read like it is my job. I read close to 200 books a year and I love talking about what I read and great authors I find. I usually don't go for the books everyone else is reading. I love authors that are funny, but can be serious when they need to be. Romance is my favorite genre, but fantasy romance is not for me. I love building things and repurposing old furniture and building materials. Sometimes I just need to be creative. I'm also extremely ADHD and neurodivergent, but that just makes me more fun and interesting. As long as you can keep up. I am extremely honest and am not afraid to share my opinion. I try to do it in a nice way though. Constructive criticism is good, being flat out mean when you share your opinion is unnecessary.

Followers

Monday, September 26, 2011

Be Bold!

What does the word bold mean to you? There are at least five different definitions for it in the dictionary. The one I like best is: not hesitating or fearful in the face of actual or possible danger or rebuff; courageous and daring:

Not that we have a lot of chances in our everyday lives to be bold in the face of danger, but the not hesitating or fearful, that is something we should all be willing to do more of. In the book of Joshua, in the Bible, Joshua prayed boldly. He was in the middle of a battle with the Amorites and he prayed that the sun would stand still. I don't know about you, but I don't think I would have even thought to ask God to stop the sun, let alone expect it to actually happen and yet it did happen. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and didn't go down for a full day (Joshua 10:12-13) I would definitely say that Joshua prayed boldly.

What about you? Do you pray boldly? I know I rarely do and even when I do I can without a doubt say it is nothing as bold as asking the sun to stop in the sky. Why don't we pray big? Why don't we ask for things we are hoping for?

I was talking to a friend today about relationships and he told me what he is looking for in a wife the next time he gets married. The things he wanted were not outlandish. They were simple things like her being a godly woman. He said to me, "I've never really prayed for that. I think I may just do that." As he said that I was reminded of a devotion I had read in my Power of the Praying Wife Bible (it is a great Bible I highly recommend it) about praying big and the word I remembered the most was bold. Be bold! So I told him to be bold in his prayers. Then it hit me, Have I been praying boldly? The answer to that is a big fat NO!

We pray for all kinds of things in our daily lives, if we are believers. We pray for a sick friend or for someone to get a job. We pray that we get to work on time when the traffic is bad. So what do you think would happen if we all just started praying big and bold? I know you may even be like me in thinking that you don't deserve to ask for something big. None of us deserve any of God's blessings, but He still gives them to us. There are countless stories in the Bible where ordinary people dared to pray boldly. Moses, Elijah, Jabez, Joshua and countless others all prayed for things that seemed impossible and yet their prayers were answered. They were answered not because these people were anyone special, but because they dared to ask.

If we pray and ask God for something big does that mean he will give it to us just because we asked? No, just ask all the people who play the lottery on a daily basis and you will see that is not true, but at the same time we don't have to be afraid to ask God for a godly spouse or a great job we can love. There are plenty of other even bigger prayers out there that we can pray so let's all be bold. I don't want to miss out on God's blessings simply because I didn't ask. Do we deserve what we ask for? Heck no! But, God says to ask, so ask. The worst He can do is say no and you are no worse off than you were before you asked, but what if He says yes? I know I want to see God show up and show off. So pray boldly then sit back and watch God work. He might just do a mighty work in you or He may even give you something better than what you asked for.


PS: I don't know what is up with the second paragraph, it got all wonky on me for some reason hope you can read it :)

Friday, September 16, 2011

I'm a mother first

When I was married I believed that my husband always came before my kids, but now that I am not I know that my kids always come first. If I ever remarry my husband will come first again so long as it is not to the detriment of my kids. I have seen people who remarry and they put their kids before their new spouse and the new spouse ends up leaving or doing something stupid because they kids always get their way. I don't want to be that parent.

As I go back into the world and consider the possibility of dating again in the future I have a different perspective on it than I did 17 years ago. I was young and stupid then and only looking at my wants. Now as a mother I can't live like that anymore. I'm a mother and every choice I make now will affect them. When you become a parent it changes everything. I'm not saying give up your life for your kids. I did that and it nearly destroyed my life, but at the same time I have to think about them when I make choices now. I can't be selfish anymore. Sure I am doing things for me now, like doing theatre and on my nights that I don't have the girls I do things I want to do so long as it in no way affects my girls in a negative way, but at the same time I do have to stop and think if something will affect them before I do it.

I've watched other moms go nuts when they divorce. They start partying and sleeping around and try to recapture their youth. I will say that when I first separated I did go to a few bars and do things I didn't do while I was married, but that was not a lifestyle I wanted and it took me quite a few nights to find a place to go out that was not a bunch of 20 somethings looking to hook up. I finally found a place this summer that I can go to and just hang out with my friends and not feel dirty or see girls with no self respect getting drunk and being hit on by guys. There are also plenty of nights I just stay home and go no where because I don't HAVE to leave the house every time I am child free.

I hope that what my girls see me doing as I am entering this new phase of my life will be a positive influence on them. I want them to see that you can have fun, but still make good choices and that just because I am single now does not mean my goal in life now has to be to find my next guy or husband. I want what they see now to show them how to make good choices so that when they grow up and start dating they will find the right guy who will respect them and treat them right and I want them to respect themselves and know that guys are not worth loosing themselves over or making bad choices for. I want them to know that if a guy wants them to make a choice that is not morally right then he is not the right guy for them. I want them to know they deserve to be treated right by a man and that they are worth being treated right.

I have to think about all of that now because I am a mother. I have to think about how I would feel if my daughters made the choices I make now. Maybe if I had seen good choices when I was young then maybe I would not have some of the bad choices I made. I can't really say because one I didn't really see bad choices being made when I was a kid and two there were some things that happened as I was growing up that did affect some of the choices I made when I got older. I do hope though that the girls will also learn from the pain they have seen me go through this last year and take steps to keep that from happening to them. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from this last year, some good and some bad. I just hope they will learn from it all.

Eleven years ago my life was changed forever in a positive way when I got pregnant with my first daughter. I became a mother that day when I saw that line on the test and since then I have made different choices than I would have had that line never been there. I will be a mother until the day I die and that will never change, At some point the choices I make will have less effect on them, but the next ten years for sure I will have to think and do whats best for my girls. If I remarry I will make sure it is someone that will be good to them and will show them how a man should treat a woman. I will also model for them how to do a relationship right. We messed that up before and I WON'T do that again. Why? Because I am a parent and that is my responsibility so that they can learn from my mistakes and my good choices.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

what's your dream?

As I watch TV or the people around me I find myself a little jealous at times. It is not something I am proud of, as a matter of fact I am rather ashamed to admit it, but it is true. What am I jealous of? I am jealous when I see people who love what they do. I was watching LA Ink. I love all the tattoo shows. I see these people who get to be themselves and love what they do. Sure there is drama, but they are getting to create art and they get to let their freak flag fly and no one is going to tell them they can't let their tats show. I realize that not every job is the kind that allows you to look however you want, but at the same time it is more about being happy with what you are doing and feeling comfortable in your own skin.

Right now, I don't like my job. It is not my dream and I feel like I have to be someone else while I am there. This is not the kind of place I see myself working for the rest of my life. I want that kind of job though. I want the kind of job where I am happy to get up every day and go to work. I want the kind of job where I can be myself. I am not afraid of hard work. I am not afraid to get dirty or even to do things sometimes that I don't like, but I want to like going into work. I don't want to watch the clock and be jealous of all the other people in the world who love their job.

Now you may be asking so what do I want to do. Funny thing is, I only have a slight idea of what I want to do. I know I love to be creative. I know I love to build things and paint things. I know I like to write and speak. I know I like to be around people like me, but do I know what I want to be when I grow up? No I really don't, but I'm not going to settle and I am not going to give up until I get there. I will do what I have to do right now at a job I hate in order to make a paycheck, but in the mean time I am working on my master plan. I am writing and I am looking for things to speak at. In my free time I do help build and paint sets for theatre productions. Every time I do something that I do love doing I learn a little something more and one day I will have that job that I am happy to get up and go to everyday. I have a few ideas floating around in my head and hopefully they will lead to something in the future. Fear used to hold me back from following my dreams, but this last year has shown me that I do have talent and I do have something to say. I just have to do it.

The take away challenge this time? Do you love what you do? If you don't what are you doing to make that happen? Make a plan and stick to it. You may have to do something you hate right now, but everyday take steps to make it happen even if it is a small step. There may not be more than five people who read what I have to say in this blog, but every time I write I am taking a step closer to my dream of writing for women. Every time I talk to a friend going through some kind of junk and I encourage her I am taking a step closer to speaking to women's groups and every time I volunteer and help build sets I am taking a step closer to learning to build and paint. I think I see how this will all come together in the future, but it is not my timing it is God's. He will open the door when it is time and not a minute sooner and when He does I will smile every morning when I get out of bed just like I dream of. Until then I will do my best to smile and work hard at the job I don't like because sometimes we have to do things we hate in order to do things we love.

Make it happen!

Voices Carry

Do you ever stop and think before you say something to someone about how it will affect them? Some things we say are no big deal. "Hey, I like that shirt." may only make someone more likely to wear a shirt or have no effect at all. But something like, "You are lazy!" or "No one will ever want you!" Well, that is a different story.

Everyday people say and do things that have some kind of effect on the people they interact with. As a teacher I was trained to use encouraging words when I see good behavior rather than negative words when I see bad behavior. Even though I have been taught that I still have been known to say somethings that hurt someone deeply. I will admit there have been times where I wanted to hurt someone because they hurt me. Was that right? No it wasn't, but it was the bad choice I made in that moment of hurt.

At the same time I have had some horrible things said to me that have had a tremendous impact on my life. Some of them held me back because they created a fear in me that I would never succeed at what I tried. I've been told I had no talent, that no man would ever love me, that I was fat, that I was lazy, worthless and tons more terrible things. I don't say that for a pity party. If this year has taught me nothing else it is that all of that was just terrible lies, but at the same time when I heard those things they crushed my spirit for a time.

I kind of consider myself damaged goods to a point. From an early age I was told things that shaped how I felt about myself. I am learning to overcome a lot of that, but I still struggle with some of it on a daily basis. There are things I have not tried because I feared failing. I held myself back rather than diving head first into something new and challenging. I took the easy way out more times than I care to admit all because I believed the things I had heard. I bet the people that said those things to me never thought about the profound affect they would have on me.

So what have you said to someone that has impacted them in a negative way? I have learned from my own words that a thousand apologies can't take back a comment that hurts. You can say you are sorry or that you don't mean it, but it can never be unsaid. The same goes for lies. This week I watched someone I care about deeply get hurt by a horrible lie. This is the kind of thing that will affect this person for the rest of their life. Did the person that lied have any idea what they were doing with their lies? In this case I think they did, but in many cases the people who lie are so busy trying to protect themselves that they never give it a thought about what they are saying. Sometimes they may see the results of the lies and sometimes they may not or they may not care, but the pain is still there.

People say we live in a country of cry babies. People sue over the smallest thing or cut people out of their lives over something ridiculous, but there are somethings that people say that are so horrible they have a lasting effect that can never be undone. Why do we do it? Do we live in such a self centered society that we don't think about anyone else's feelings? Do we not learn from our mistakes and not repeat them? The answer more times than not is no. This is the me generation. People think about themselves first and no one else. They think about how they feel and what they want and never take into account how their words or choices will impact anyone else. I've heard excuse after excuse. "Things just happen." "You hurt me so I hurt you." "I didn't get what I wanted." "It won't happen again." It is all a bunch of crap and yes I include myself in one of those excuses.

What do you think would happen if we all started putting others feeling before our own? What do you think would happen if we stopped being a me society? What do you think would happen if we stopped to think before we spoke? I think it could change the world. We live in a "If it feels good do it" kinda world, but that isn't what God wants for us. He has something so much better than what we want for ourselves, but we have got to stop trying to put ourselves first and stop tearing each other down and lying.

I pretty much suck at lying. Sure I have done it, but in the end I either feel guilty and end up telling the truth or it comes out anyway because I am so bad at it. When I was in high school and college people would say don't ask Bethany what she thought because she would tell you. I will admit I gave my opinion with little regard to how it was received. I was young and stupid and did not think about the consequences of my words. Did I crush someone's spirit? No, but if you had on an ugly dress I was sure going to let you know. The thing is though I didn't lie, not even when it would save someone's feelings. I guess that is why it is so hard for me to deal with lying. I can't do it. I have seen the damage it does and I don't want to do that to someone else.

I have seen what lies and hurtful words can do, but I have also seen what positive words can do. They may not be able to undo all the damage of lies and hurtful words, but from the right person they can bring a smile and they can be encouraging.

My challenge to everyone is to say more positive things and to be more positive. You never know what someone may be dealing with. They could be living with a life time of hurt and your positive comment could be a bright spot in their day and if you put enough of those bright spots together maybe they can overcome the hurtful words and lies they have heard and be something they never dreamed possible. I know I still struggle every day with the things I have heard and the lies I have been told, but with God's help and some great friends I am learning to overcome them. I know I am more then what those people would have me believe and I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I hope that you see the same for yourself as well.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The ugly truth

Hi my name is Bethany and I wrote a book with the man I married to help other married couples learn to work as a team. I truly believe everything we wrote about and it really is good stuff, but it only works if you actually do what it says and put God in the center of your marriage.

That brings me to say this. My name is Bethany and I am about to be divorced. There I said it. It only took me 10 months to admit it. For the first four months I was in denial. Then I went through anger and bargaining and depression. Those three were on a constant loop for about 6 months. Finally last month I reached acceptance. Am I embarrassed? You bet I am. I mean this was not supposed to happen. We help other couples avoid this we don't get divorced. But it did and it is.

The hows and whys is not important for the general public. Just know that we both made bad choices and we regret them, but what is done is done. I personally don't believe in divorce so the fact that I am getting one is kinda ironic, but again there were circumstances that led to this final decision between the two of us. We are having a civil divorce. There are no lawyers. We agreed on pretty much everything. We went together to file the papers at the court house. We went to the parenting class and sat together as we listened to the crazy, bitter divorcing people that could do nothing but bash each other. Do we still have the occasional fight? Sure we do and there is yelling and tears, but we are always able to talk civilly afterward and move forward and past it. What we are doing is not the norm, but it is us. It is the only way we can be because we have kids and they come before our feelings about our marriage and so we have agreed to get along. We don't go to movies together or hang out on weekends, but there is no McDonalds transfer of the children. We go into each others place and chat before leaving.

So what does this all mean for me now? Well, I have found myself this summer. Every year we send the girls to his parents for the summer. Yes for the summer and we are ok with that and yes we miss them, but we also know it is good for us all. So this summer was actually the best summer of my life. You may wonder how I can say that. I mean I filed for divorce and spent the entire summer living alone. Sure that part sucked, but I also found Bethany. I wasn't working so I spent a month volunteering at the local community theatre and I learned so much and I had a great time. I could have sat home missing my family and sulking and being miserable, but well I spent 7 years doing that already. This summer I got what so many women with kids never get. I got time to live just for me. I knew my kids were taken care of so I took care of me.

I know most women can't do that. Either they can't stand to be away from their kids that long or it just is not something that can actually be done, but even if it is just a week here or there all women need time away from their kids to step out of the mom role for awhile. See I didn't. I didn't take that time away when my girls were younger. My youngest was sick a lot and we moved a lot so I did not have close friends and money was always tight or so I thought. There was always some reason why I didn't take time for me. I was a stay home mom so I was home with them 24/7. My husband and I would occasionally go on dates, but not often enough and I still didn't really have anything that was mine. I tried to take up photography and I am pretty good at it, but I didn't stick to it because I never really took the time to go out and take pictures. I lost me and that is part of the reason my marriage nearly failed four years ago. God brought us back together and we wanted to help other couples not go through what we went through. I felt called to speak to women and encourage them to be strong. Ace and I talked about it and he felt called to speak to men about being spiritual leaders so we wrote the book and we spoke, but after a year of speaking and writing that book we realized we had not fed our marriage.

From what I have since learned it is not uncommon for people who go into marriage ministry to actually have marriage problems because they spend so much time helping others they don't help themselves. Well that is exactly what we did and we took God out of the marriage. We tried to get it back once we saw it going down hill, but by then things had been said and done that could not be taken back. So now we are here. We are both moving forward without the other one and we are ok with it. We both realized that keeping the family together for the sake of keeping the family together was not enough.

But I have learned a lot over the last year and I am a stronger women because of it. I have been taken care of my whole life. I went from being taken care of by my parents to being taken care of by my husband. I didn't work because I was taking care of my girls so I gave up my life to follow him around and raise our children. I realized this summer I changed everything about myself for him. I even changed what I liked to drink. He was an adamant coca-cola drinker and hated Pepsi. I know that is a small thing, but I gave up what I liked for him. What kind of example does that set for my girls? Sure he let me do it so he played a role to, but this is not about him. It took 17 years to get here, but I am here and I finally know who I am. I finally know what I like and I finally know what my dreams are. People may think I am terrible because I can send my girls away for the summer, but I think it is worse to give up myself for a man. I never want my girls to do that.

God and I had a long talk one day about my future and he showed me why I need this time alone. He showed me that my whole life I have given up who I am for men. I did the same with the guys I dated and the man I married. I let them change me into who they wanted me to be. I did it so much that I turned 37 years old and did not know who in the world I was. I know now though and I know what I am going to do with my life. God told me four years ago I am going to write and I am going to speak. I just got it wrong about the topics and audience. I will work where I have to work to make ends meet, but I will follow my dreams too.

I feel very blessed right now. Some women go their whole life and never know who they are. Sure I wish I had figured it out while I was married, but I don't know if that would have changed things or not. I can't woulda shoulda coulda anymore. Life is too short for regrets. I can either live in the past and be miserable or I can look to the future while living in the present. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so why keep looking back?

I see women who have their lives wrapped up in their men. They don't feel complete unless they have a man. I was one of those women for a long time. I asked a girl not to long ago where would she be if she was not with the guy she was with and her answer, I kid you not, was probably with another boyfriend. Really? Wake up ladies! Sure it is great to have a man in your life, but that is not what defines us. I don't say that because I am divorcing. I don't say that because I have some hatred of men (which I don't). I say that because I want other women to know who they are outside of wife/girlfriend or even mother. A man is by your side, he is not your identity. I once had a name badge that was made for me when Ace was working at a radio station in Nashville that literally said, "Ace's Wife". It didn't say Bethany on there anywhere and I didn't have the self worth to be bothered by it. Never again will my identity be anything other than Bethany. My last name may change, but I will be Bethany first.

So here I am. Almost 38 years old and about to have my divorce final in a month. I am a mother til the day I die, that will never change and maybe one day I will be someone elese's significant other in one way or another, but I won't lose Bethany again. I won't change what I like or who I am just to be with a man. My favorite drink? Yeah it is Dr. Pepper, but if someone offers me a Pepsi I won't turn it down. If someone asks me what I like, I will tell them what Bethany likes not what some guy likes. I like my eggs over medium and without cheese. I like bar b q sauce on my wings not wings sauce. I like the Beatles, that was real, but as for music? Well, I don't like live music and I like pop music more than the blues and I like Billy Joel more than Elton John. I like football and when I care about the team I will watch it, but if I miss a game it is not the end of the world. I like romantic comedies not action movies. I like police dramas not talent competitions. It took me going through a divorce to admit this, but this summer I have watched what I wanted, listened to what I wanted and eaten what I wanted. I picked where I wanted to go out to eat and I picked what movies I saw and I loved it. If there was a man in my life now sure we would do what he wants sometimes, but we would do what I want as well.

So there you go. I am Bethany. I wrote a book about marriage and I am about to be divorced and that's ok. The sun will still come up tomorrow. I will still breathe as long as God allows me to. People will still get up and live their lives and after all the people who have something to say about the fact that we are divorcing have had their say and made their snide comments they will go back to living their lives with no thought of us. The embarrassment will go away and life will go on. Just because this is what is happening in my world right now does not mean it will always be what people remember me for. Hopefully I will do something much better to be remembered for, but if for some reason I don't I seriously doubt that people will care that we wrote a book about marriage and ended up divorced ten years from now. I will continue to grow from this, but as the days pass even I won't think about it anymore. As for now I will just trust God to lead the way.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Worth MORE!

We have done a disservice to the girls in our society. Little girls are growing up thinking they have to dress in little to no clothing, wear too much make up, dance inappropriately and have no respect for themselves if they want attention or love. I think it started in the 80's when MTV showed women as objects dancing on the hood of a car and every video was about having or getting sex. I know I fell into it.

While I was never the type of girl to show everything, I did think that if I wanted attention I had to act or dress a not so lady like way. I'm not blaming it all on MTV. Media in general has played a part in what women think they have to do or how they have to look. but society has taught us the same thing. Just go to the mall and watch young girls walk around. Younger and younger girls are showing their bellies or are wearing skirts and shorts that are way too short. Why do they do it? Well obviously they have seen it work or it would not continue. I learned early on how to get attention and it worked very well. From the age of 14 I was rarely without a guy for more than a few months. The problem, though was while that got the guys to begin with it didn't make them stay because when real life happened they were off looking for the next girl with no self respect who was willing to put it all out there.

Just like we have taught our girls that that behavior is what it takes to get a guy, we have taught our guys that that is what they should expect. Girls everywhere are throwing themselves at guys all for that attention they so desperately want and the guys don't even have to try that hard because they know there will always be another girl around the corner if this one doesn't do what they want them to.

Whatever happened to the guys who wooed a girl? Where are the guys that expected nothing more than a hug or at most a quick peck on the mouth at the end of a date? Today girls give it up without even going out. The guy doesn't even have to buy them dinner and he is going to get lucky.

Where are the men who respect women? I think they are few and far between. Today women don't respect themselves so why should a guy respect them? Women think all they are good for is their bodies. I fear for my daughters as they grow up in this kind of world. Sure I can teach them they are worth more and to respect themselves, but unfortunately in a world of social media they are going to have way more outside influences that will get to them as well and when they start dating are the guys they meet going to show them that what I taught them is true or what society has taught them is?

I know I was shaped as a young girl to believe that guys only wanted me for my body. I didn't have what the world sees as a "perfect" body so I did cover it up more than most girls, but none the less I still put it out there and I was rewarded with attention. I found that if I was flirty and dressed sexy that guys would notice me, but looking back now I can see they didn't want me they just wanted my body and what they could get from it. There are girls all over the world starving themselves or making themselves throw up or have surgeries they don't need all for a little attention. There are plenty of reasons why they feel the need to draw attention to themselves. Maybe Daddy didn't show them enough love so they look for it in a man, often times finding a man just like their dad. Maybe some guy broke up with them because they wouldn't go all the way. Maybe some bully in school told them they were ugly or fat or some other ridiculous lie so they are out to prove the world wrong or just maybe they just never really had much confidence in themselves and so they over compensate. Whatever the reason, I just want girls and women too for that matter, to see that they are worth so much more.

It is ok to take pride in the way you look and when you are married it is absolutely fine to have sex, but just know you are more than just that and any guy that does not see that is not the right guy for you. Don't let him make you feel bad for respecting yourself. Don't let him tell you that you are something you are not and don't degrade yourself for any man. If that is what he expects from a woman then there are plenty of other women out there willing to be his play thing. You are worth more and God is more than willing to be the man in your life until He leads you to the right one. Don't compromise just for attention.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Real Forgiveness, More Than Words

I just watched a very edited version of a time in my life I had rather forget. The Oprah Winfrey Network has a show called Unfaithful that did a story about my marriage and the unfaithfulness that happened in it at one time. They manipulated it and changed some things around making it only about half true.

You may ask why we did the show in the first place if we wanted to forget it. Well I ask myself that and wonder sometimes myself and then I am reminded that God wanted us to tell our story. Our story is one of forgiveness after something terrible. So many people hear about infidelity and say they would never forgive someone that cheated on them, but until you have been there you just really can't say.

Was it easy to forgive? Heck no! But it was the right thing to do. God tells us that He will not forgive us if we can't forgive others. Not forgiving is like saying you are better than God because if you think about all the things God has forgiven us for how dare we say we ca't forgive. See the thing about forgiveness is that it isn't for the person being forgiving. It is for the forgiver.

When you hold onto a hurt you give power to satan to make us miserable. Having had to forgive some people who have hurt me really bad I know it is not easy to forgive and that there are a million things I had rather do than to forgive some of these people, but in the end I have to forgive them. I don't want to be that angry person that holds onto the hurt and the pain.
For a lot of years I held onto the pain that was inflicted upon me by some people who treated me really horrible. The things they did or said to me literally changed who I am as a person, but after years of letting that anger eat me alive I had to let it go. Holding onto all that anger and hurt made me someone I hated. It caused my depression to get worse and it made me hurt other people. I was hurting others and changing them just like I was changed and I did not want that to be my legacy.

I wish I could say that I don't still have my days where the hurt flares its ugly head. I do. Someone will say or do something that will stir up a memory or a friend will make a negative comment about someone and it is easy to jump on that band wagon, but over the last few months God has shown me that my words are just as damaging as an affair or any of the other things that I have had to forgive from my past. I have said things I am not proud of, things that were not even true just to try and get rid of my own hurt, but it just made the pain worse. See, in God's eyes all sins are equal. Usually when I rant about that, it is because I see people judging me or someone I love for something that to the world looks big, but in God's eyes is no different than being disrespectful to someone. But tonight I am saying that as a reminder that my sins are no smaller than anyone else's they are just different.

I would hope that as you go about your life that you learn to really forgive. Think about how you want people to forgive you for what you have done. Do you want them to just say they forgive you or do you really want them to forgive you? If you really want forgiveness then you have to forgive fully. That means not bringing up the things that they did in anyway to hurt them. It means not assuming that they are going to do it again. It also means really letting it go. I would hope that the hurtful things that I have said to people would really be let go so it is my responsibility to really let go of the hurt that has been done to me. I don't think anyone ever really wants you to remember the terrible things they have done. I know I don't. While I have had a hard time letting go, sometimes, of things that have been done to me, I also have a hard time forgetting the good things too. Maybe that's why I have forgiven the people who have hurt me, because I do remember the good and I do try to cling to that instead of the bad. I don't look at people and see the bad things they have done. I just don't. I may think about the hurt from time to time, but with God's help I have learned to look for the good in people too.

In a world with so much pain and suffering, we should all look for the good in people. Very few people really set out to be mean, hurtful people. There is good in pretty much everyone. At least that is how I see it. Yeah, there are selfish people who put themselves first and don't necessarily think about the consequences of their choices, but overall people don't want to hurt you. We all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are and being forgiven is a part of that.

So I challenge you. Really forgive someone today. Stop looking back at what they did in the past and look for the good they are doing today. You might be surprised when you stop looking for the bad just how much good you find.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Girl With The Light In Her Eyes

While cleaning out my closet the other day I came across a box of pictures that I had just never gotten around to putting in an album or scrap book. I came across a few pictures of myself from Christmas 1994. Now it is important to know that 1994 was one of the best years of my life. I was 21 years old and I was in love and things were just going well for me. Throw in the fact that it was Christmas, my favorite holiday at the time, and I was one happy girl.

The look on my face in these pictures show how high on life I was. It shows the love, peace, joy and happiness that I was feeling at the time. The thought that struck me as I looked at the pictures was that there was a light in my eyes. There was so much life and innocence there. I had no idea what lay ahead of me, where life would take me or the joy and pain that I would go through over the next 16 years.

A part of me looks at that girl and wants to go back and have a do over, but then I think about the unavoidable painful events that I went through and I don't want to relive those. Then I think about going back and just talking to my 21 year old self and telling her what not to do, but then I think about how I probably would not listen to myself and there is also the whole space time continuum things so if I didn't go through what I have been through I would not learn enough to tell myself not to do what I did. Yeah it is very Back to the Future kinda thing.

The problem with both of those scenarios though is that I can't do either and I am there person I am today because of all of the things that have happened to me in my WHOLE life. I do wonder though, is there something that girl with the light in her eyes could teach me now? I think just by being in those pictures she already did. She reminded me that the girl with the light in her eyes is still in me and I am still that girl just with a lot more wisdom.

I have made it a point over the last few days to let that girl out again and I have to say I have missed her. I don't know why I let her hide for awhile, but it feels really good to have that light in me again. Interestingly enough just in the few days that I have been letting her shine I have gotten some pretty cool compliments which of course makes me feel even better and in turn makes my light shine brighter. If I could go back and talk to that 21 year old girl right now I would say thank you. Thank you for those pictures that reminded me who I was and who I still am.

So what's the challenge from this blog? Find that light in yourself again and don't let it go. If you have lost it think back to a time when you had the light in your eyes and learn from that person. If you still have that light in your eyes, don't let it go, matter of fact let it shine brighter than ever before. I am and I will.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Expectations

Do we really see what other people do for us or are we so self absorbed that most of it just goes by without notice? I don't do things for other people for the thanks or recognition, but at the same time I don't like it when I know I did something and it was seen as not having been done. Maybe I didn't do it the way you wanted me to or maybe I didn't do it the way you would have, but I did it just the same. I guess it comes down to those people not getting me and how I do things. Maybe they don't see what I gave up to do something for them. I don't know, but I will always wish I had been recognized for what I did do.
Its frustrating really, when you put your heart into something and it is ignored. I am not looking to write a pity party. I am not looking for someone to make a big deal out of what I know I have done, but I just want us all to be aware of other people around us and what they do.
We all have a primary love language, but at the same time we should be speaking all the rest too. Overtime peoples love languages change anyway so if you are speaking them all you have a better chance of hitting which ever one is dominant at the time. We can know someones love language, but if they don't notice you speaking it you might as well be speaking one they care nothing about at all.
One of the most frustrating experiences in life is to try to do something to the best of your ability and to fail at it; not because you didn't try, but because you somehow did it wrong. Sometimes someone will come along and take the time to show you how to do it right after you screw it up. and when they do you learn and you get better. I have been working in theatre lately and I am not very skilled at a lot of things that need to be done, but I have had some great people who have been wonderful about teaching me how to do things right. Do I get it right every time? No I don't. As a matter of fact I tend to screw up the first time I do just about anything, but I love how these people have not just pushed me aside and decided I wasn't doing it or that I couldn't. After showing me again, most of the time I get it. Do I always do it perfectly after that? No, but I love that they are willing to correct me and tell me again how to do it. Sure there are times where they snap because I didn't do something right, but the beauty is we understand that in the end we all still care about each other and we can go hit Panera and laugh and be stupid together.
Isn't that really how we all should be with each other? I mean we can't expect someone to know what we want them to do if we don't tell them or show them and we can't assume they will get it right the first time. Everyday unnecessary fights are had, feelings are hurt, hearts are broken, relationships end, jobs are even lost all because we fail to take the time to explain what we want and expect.
So what can we do? Well going back to my first point, when they do something right acknowledge it and if you have an expectation of them, look to see if they really are doing it and don't just assume because it isn't done your way that they didn't do it. Next explain yourself and I'm not just talking about the person who wants something done. Sometimes the person who did it wrong deserves a chance to explain why they did it the way they did it. Maybe they thought they did it right. Maybe they didn't understand the directions. Maybe they had a perfectly good reason for doing it the way they did it or maybe you were not clear and they were scared to ask again. Whatever the reason it can't get better if the communication is not there or you are not acknowledging when they do it.
If you are the person with the expectations, let me recommend that you show some grace for the person trying to learn. You really have no idea what is going through their mind. There is a good chance they are so scared of letting you down that they are afraid to try. There is also the chance that they are thinking if they shoot blindly at the bullseye they will hit it since they don't know where it is. There can be dozens of things running through their mind, but you will never know until you give them another chance and open your eyes, ears, mind and heart.














Saturday, February 26, 2011

Why settle for less?

I talk all the time about how women need to be strong and that they should not let people treat them bad. I really hope that my message is getting out there especially to those women who think they don't deserve better due to low self esteem. But I also want my message to get to me. Due to some crazy things that have happened in my life, I will admit my self esteem has never been very great, but the thing is I know that I am an amazing woman so why do I let stupid people make me feel like I am not just because they are too selfish to see it?

I know another girl who has low self esteem and I see her making the same mistakes I made and it kills me. I would love the chance to talk to her and let her know she deserves better, but I think some women just need to learn things on their own. All I can do is sit back and wait for it to happen and then hope that she finally sees that we as women are amazing, but only if we make ourselves amazing. Settling for less just because we think that is all we are worth is sad.
I have had people in my life since I was a child making me feel less than I am. Some did it to make themselves feel better. Some did it out of pure selfishness and some did it just because they are sick.

No matter why people hurt us we can't keep giving them the power to hurt us more. I have seen women return to abusive husbands because they think they can't do better or because their husbands swore they would change. The thing about abusers though, they don't change. I'm not just talking about physical abuse either. I have a few friends who have or had emotionally abusive husbands. Their husbands controlled them with fear and mind games. Every time the woman would start to feel strong in who they were the husbands were there to knock them back down or lie to them so that the women would give them another chance.

It is men like that that have me worried for the future of my daughters. I don't want them ending up with some jerk who treats them bad or makes them feel less than amazing, but how do I train them up to know they deserve better? I have seen parents who never really lifted up their kids or told them they loved them and just basically let the children raise themselves and learn from life. I have also seen the flip side of the coin though. I have seen parents go over board and tell their child how wonderful and great they are non-stop to the point where the child had an over inflated sense of self and those children grew up to be selfish people.

So where is that happy medium? How do we raise strong women who have a good sense of self, but are not selfish? I don't want my girls growing up thinking that it is ok to be with someone who is a jerk. I can't always be with them to protect them from outside influences so I have to trust that God will protect them. I know they are going to see and experience things in life that could have a profound impact on what they think is ok. I just have to do my best to counteract that influence so that they know they are beautiful, strong girls.

God will be there for my girls as they grow up, but it is up to us as parents to be the godly role models they need to see so that they can be godly women. God doesn't want them settling for the not even next best thing. God wants to give them His best. I will teach my girls what to expect out of their future husbands and how to be good wives, but ultimately they are going to take from everything they see and hear and make their own choices. I can only hope that what they see and hear is what is best for them in God's eyes and not our own.
So my take away challenge this time? Don't settle for less than God's best for your life. Be the strong, beautiful women God created you to be and get away from the people in your life that are not God's best for you.

Monday, February 21, 2011

You're Beautiful, its true

I'm going to start this blog by saying something directly to women. Women YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You are amazing, you are strong and you are worth a good man. I say that because I see so many women out there who for some reason or another just don't seem to think that they are worth a quality relationship. They stay with a guy that treats them like garbage for years out or fear of not having someone or simply because they don't think the can do or deserve better. They date a married man because..., ok I don't know why they do that, but they do. These women all seem to be under the impression that they don't deserve better.

I'm here to say to all of those women, you deserve better. I have seen a quote on facebook many times, not sure who it is by, but it rings true not matter what, "Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs." If a guy treats you like garbage or is seeing you while he is married, you are not his priority. He is his priority. He is looking to feel better about himself. If he is treating you badly then by you feeling bad it allows you to feel better about yourself. If he is married to someone else then he is trying to feel like he is desired again. I know that in the married situation sometimes the wife has not shown him the attention he thinks he deserves, but it is not your place to give it to him. That is between him and his wife and God.

We live in a time where we are constantly being bombarded with images of the "perfect woman" She has to be thin, have large breasts, straight teeth, perfect eyes, nose and mouth, but if you look around at the real world you will see that women just don't look like that. The women in Hollywood don't even look like that. The pictures are airbrushed or they had surgery or liposuction. A good man isn't looking for perfection from his woman. A good man is looking for a woman who gets him, loves him, respects him and completes him. If he is looking for something superficial like how you look or the type of attention you give him, well then he is not a good man. Sorry to have to say it ladies, but there are a lot of jerks out there.

Now I know that the jerk to good guy ratio is making it harder for women to find good men, but that doesn't mean you have to settle for the first guy to show you some attention or even the second or third guy. Set your standards high. Look for that guy that will treat you well. Look for the guy who will protect you and that wants you and only you. Ask questions about his past relationships. You don't ask because you want to be hurt by his past, but you ask so you know how he treated the women in his past. Chances are if he treated them badly or didn't respect them, then he isn't going to treat you right either. Sure you may get a few years of him treating you right, but then life will happen and he will see you with the flu or hear you throwing up and if he is the kind of guy who gets bored easily then he is going to go find a new girl that hasn't thrown up around him.

I really want women to realize that they can do better if they just stop settling. I am not saying to any woman than you should leave your husband if he is not great. I am saying to all those women out there who are dating jerks to let them go. So what if you have a big nose, swinty eyes and a big butt, you can do better if you will just realize that you are worth more than what he is giving you. Stop settling! Look for the good guys. If you are in a bad relationship then get out. If you are seeing a married man, even if he is leaving his wife, get out. That is no way to start a relationship and you will always be wondering if he gets bored with you if he will look for someone else.

Realize that you are worth more than the sloppy seconds or harsh treatment these guys are giving you. I don't know what your childhood was like so I don't know what made your self esteem what it is. If you have good self esteem then great. Take that and find a man worthy of you. If you have low self esteem then first off stop that, second off look at yourself through God's eyes and see that you were beautifully and wonderfully made. Just because some jerk in your past made you feel unworthy of love doesn't mean you are. Just because your mother had low self esteem doesn't mean you should. Take pride in who God made you and see the beautiful woman you are. Sure it may take longer to find the guy that will treat you right, but in the long run you will be happier and you will save yourself a lot of heartache. I really wish more women would have this philosophy when it comes to finding a man. Maybe if women will only start dating the good guys then the jerks will see that they have to be good in order to have a good woman and in the process of natural selection all the jerks will die out. After all, if there are no jerks to raise jerk sons or daughters with no self esteem then only the good guys will be raising kids and the over population of jerks can go the way of the saber tooth tiger.... Hey a girl can dream can't she.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Say Anything

Do you have that friend that just gets you? You know the one you can say anything to and they get it. Do you have that friend that you have inside jokes with? Do you quote movies and TV shows or repeat something one of you said a long time ago just so you can remember the fun of that day and laugh?
I have almost that friend. I have the friend that gets me and that I can quote things to, but I have different friends that I can say anything to and they get it. They used to be one in the same, but somewhere along the way the friend that I quote with became the person I couldn't say anything to.
I love having friends that I can be real with. The ones I can show my warped side to or my gross side. I think we all need that. I also love having the friend that I can quote things to. That friend has been there through a lot of stuff in my life and understands when I talk about college night because they were a part of it with me. This friend was there with me through some amazing times in my life and I enjoy remembering those moments with them. I wonder though why did we stop being able to say anything to each other. That friend was my best friend for a lot of years. That friend was the person I called when something great happened and that friend was the shoulder I cried on when something bad happened. I still find myself when something great or funny happens wanting to call them and tell them, but rarely are they the person I call when something bad happens. I rarely call them if I am hurting or sad, that's what the other friends have become for me.
Why do we let our friendships fall away like that? Why do we stop saying what we are thinking? Chances are those friends would not have judged us had we just been real with them. Chances are those friends are thinking the same thing sometimes. They were that friend for a reason you know?
We live in such a transient society these days. By the time my youngest daughter was 4 1/2 she had lived in 4 states. Where we are now is the longest she has ever lived somewhere and in two months it will be the longest my oldest has ever lived somewhere. How do we keep up with our friends when we don't even live near them anymore? How do we keep that bond strong? Facebook helps to a point, but sometimes it is just a distraction from living our real life. I know I have been guilty of sitting home all day long on the computer with no real contact with anyone. Even when other people were in my house I was sitting at the computer. Have we become such a tech mesmerized society that we no longer have the ability to have real interactions with each other?
I don't want my world to be wrapped up in my next status update or reading everyone else's status update. We rationalize that we keep up and talk to more friends because we have facebook. Yeah, I have talked with people I went to college with, high school with and even people I lived across the street from until I was 7. It is great catching up when we first find them, but then really do you talk to them anymore or do you just read and comment on each other's statuses? Do you basically facebook stalk and never really keep up with their real life? I KNOW I am guilty of that. If you think about it though we only put snippets of our lives on facebook, well unless you are an over sharer, and well that is for another blog. So if we only put snippets out there then we really are not doing life with each other, we are just being nosy.
I have had a few friends message me occasionally if my posts seem sad or dark, but overall we are not interacting. Social networking seems to be a must these days. You have to twitter, or facebook or blog to keep in touch with the world and as great as it can seem at times I really think it is making us more and more anti-social. We don't get together for coffee to hang out anymore. No, we chat on facebook or we text. We don't laugh out loud with our friends anymore. No, we LOL or LMBO. No wonder there are marriages breaking up because of social networking. We are so used to speaking in status updates and chats and texts that we don't know how to have face time anymore.
The reason I can no longer say anything to my friend is because we quit saying anything out loud. Our conversations started consisting of texts and emails. Heck we couldn't even pick up the phone to talk. Sure I can send a funny quote through a text, but where is the satisfaction of seeing them literally laugh out loud? I want to say "PIVOT!" and actually see a smile and well "Narkey" just doesn't come across in written word. Chances are anyone reading this has no idea what either of those quotes mean, but my friend does and that is one of the reasons we are friends. Will we ever be able to say anything to each other again? Well I hope so. No matter what this person is my friend, but I also need to take the time to actually use my voice not just for this one friend, but for all of those that I know I can say anything to.
So my challenge this time is to stop living in a cyber world so much and take the time to use your voice. We really do have something to say and no I am not missing the irony that I am saying this all online, but hey baby steps right?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Runaway Bride

Have you ever seen the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? If you haven't here is a brief summary. Richard Gere is a reporter who goes to this small town to do a story on Julia Robert's character who has been deemed the Runaway Bride because she has run out on quite a few weddings to various guys. There is some more stuff that happens, but if you want to know more than I am telling you then go rent it.

Anyway, one of the parts of the movie that really stuck with me was him asking each of her former fiancées how she liked her eggs and each one of them telling him that she liked them the way they liked him. It was a small thing with great significance. The guys all thought she liked her eggs like they did because when she was with each one of them she changed to be what she thought they wanted her to be. She did not know what she wanted.

In many relationships women tend to become who they think the man wants them to be. They don't do it consciously usually, but over time they lose a piece of themselves. When I met my husband I did not like football at all. We met in February so football season had just ended. We had six months of the getting to know each other part of our relationship before NFL Preseason started. He began to get all excited and I kind of sunk at the thought of loosing him to football for the next six months. He was smart enough to ask me why I didn't like football and I told him because I didn't understand it. He then took it upon himself to teach me football so we could watch together. I became a Tennessee Volunteer fan because he was and that was the games he was teaching me through. I had grown up in the middle of Alabama/Auburn Football as an Alabama fan, but after meeting students from that school I could no longer make myself be an Alabama fan and really I only cared who won the Iron Bowl anyway so it wasn't like I was giving up a huge part of who I was to change teams.

Over time I have become a huge football fan. I still cheer for the Vols, even though they have not been great over the last ten years and after having lived in Nashville as the Titans were starting I became a Titans fan as well. I will admit that now living in Indiana I don't get the chance to watch the games like I would like so I sadly do not know the players like I used to, but I still watch when I can and hope for the best.

So what's the big deal about football? Well, me beginning to like football was just the start of me changing myself for him. I was never a big music fan other than the Beatles. I had honestly learned to tune most music out after having dated a guy that constantly listened to heavy metal. My husband, however, was a musician and music was his life. So I began to expand my horizons and learned all new genres of music and I found that I did in fact like most kids of music. Jazz being one of the few that I cannot tolerate at all for any length of time.

There were other things I was exposed to due to him and I will not say I am not thankful to have learned about them, but I do regret giving up the things I was into in order to have the time to do the things he was into. Shopping was a huge one, but I will get back to that. My point is I gave up my passions for his.

Now you may think that he learned some of my passions and I taught him things. If you think that you would be wrong and he would not be the only man that has not made that effort. It seems most men don't take the time to learn what the women in their life are passionate about. I don't know if it is because they think it is too girlie or what, but it is quite common for the woman to learn to like what the man likes and the man to not care about what she like. Then ten plus years down the road the women are not the woman they were when they first met and then comes the fight of "you have changed". First off, we all change so that is a stupid fighting point. Second, she changed so she could spend more time with the guy.

Before I met my husband I would save up my money and go shopping. I would usually drag my mom along, but sometimes I went with a friend or alone. I would spend hours looking at clothes and trying them on until I found the best outfits at the best prices. Then I met my husband and he hates to shop for anything but music or electronics. Where I could spend hours in a mall looking at clothes, he could spend hours in a record store going through vinyl. When he and I would go to the mall together he would drag me into a music store and I would be bored out of my mind so when I would go in a clothing store I didn't want him to feel the way I had felt in the record store so I learned to walk in take a quick walk through and if nothing jumped out at me right away I walked back out. My whole shopping pattern changed. His on the other hand did not and so eventually he got to the point where he would only go to music stores without me which I was fine with.

So what is the point in telling you this? Well, I am here to stand up and say I want me back! I want to go shopping and take my time. I want to sit down with a book even if there is football on and read. I want to go out with my female friends and laugh and make fun of things and I challenge every other woman out there to do the same thing. Don't wait until there is something wrong in your relationship or you have a fight about how you have changed. Do it now! Be that girl you were before you had a man in your life. You don't have to go off to some hippie commune to find yourself, just remember yourself.

Men are great to have in your life, but I can almost guarantee that they don't want to look into sad eyes that have no clue of who they are. It is a process. You won't wake up tomorrow and suddenly be who you want to be, but by taking that first step you are on the road to finding her again. After all isn't that who they fell in love with in the first place? Why does getting married and having kids have to mean that you have to lose who you are? Get out there and find out how you like your eggs.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

What we leave behind

Have you ever thought about what you will eave behind when you die? I'm not talking about just your personal belongings, although feel free to throw me into your will at anytime :) What I am actually talking about is your legacy. What will your friends and family say about you after you are gone?

I for one wonder what they will say. I know some will say I was funny and sarcastic and rarely neglected to give my opinion. I know some will say I was a "b" word because I will admit to some people I have been. But I would also hope that they would say something about my caring heart and how much I don't want others to hurt. I've taken those spiritual gifts tests so many times and mercy is always at the top of the list for me, but I don't know that many people actually see that side of me. Sometimes it gets hidden behind my own pain and sometimes, I will honestly say, I get lazy and don't let it show. I would also hope that I would be remembered for my ability to forgive. I have forgiven a lot of people in my life who have hurt me in many different ways. I don't say that to toot my own horn, I say that because it was something I had to learn to do in order to get through my depression. I found that holding grudges and holding onto hurts didn't hurt the person I was hurt by, it only hurt me.

So what else do I want to leave behind? I just read an article about people dying and their facebook and/or twitter pages being part of that legacy. I had not really thought about that until then. I mean what does your last post say about you? Would you be happy with whatever your last post was if you died right now? It really made me think that I need to try harder with my posts. I mean I really don't know how I would feel about my last post talking about the new lipstick I bought. Not that I think I will be thinking about that once I am dead, but it is the principle of the thing. Your facebook or twitter page will become a memorial to you for awhile after you die. Do you really want a complaint about the service at McDonalds to be the last thing people hear from you? Now if the food at McDonalds killed you and you had complained about that, maybe that would be ok, but other than that, I don't think that is the last words I want of mine to be about.

What does all of this mean? Well, I don't really know. I can't guarantee that every post I make from here on out is going to be deep and thoughtful, but maybe I will be less inclined to post that complaint about the BMV... Nah, who am I kidding it is the freakin BMV of course I will complain about them. But then after that I will immediately post something a little deeper :) Besides those who know me well, know that I have an opinion about everything right?

I guess what I am trying to say is to try to be more positive with your posts and maybe that picture of you drunk dancing on a table is not the best thing to have as your profile picture. But you don't have to be all deep to leave that legacy. I think I want my last post to be something that makes people laugh and I think I need to post a few more pictures of myself having fun so just maybe my final post will be one my girls can smile at and say, "Yep, that was my mom."