What you need to know

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I am a mother of two beautiful, grown women. I believe sarcasm is the sixth love language and I read like it is my job. I read close to 200 books a year and I love talking about what I read and great authors I find. I usually don't go for the books everyone else is reading. I love authors that are funny, but can be serious when they need to be. Romance is my favorite genre, but fantasy romance is not for me. I love building things and repurposing old furniture and building materials. Sometimes I just need to be creative. I'm also extremely ADHD and neurodivergent, but that just makes me more fun and interesting. As long as you can keep up. I am extremely honest and am not afraid to share my opinion. I try to do it in a nice way though. Constructive criticism is good, being flat out mean when you share your opinion is unnecessary.

Followers

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Life after an affair

My husband had an affair. There I said it. That is not the easiest thing to say, but the thing is, it is true. Something even more hard to say is that it happened more than once and that he and I are still married. Many people can't believe that I would even consider staying married to him after an affair and before we went through it I would have been right there with them. Then it happened and while we did originally intend to divorce, (we even drew up the papers), things changed and we worked it out. So how did the affair happen and how did we manage to make our marriage work? The long in short of it is we got lazy and then we stopped being lazy.

When we first started dating our worlds pretty much revolved around each other. We were students with part time jobs, but our free time was pretty much spent with each other. Even after we got married and had jobs with opposite schedules we valued our time together so much that we would squeeze it in whenever we could. Even if we were watching football my feet were in his lap. Then kids came along and we were so busy with them that our free time was spent resting or just vegging on the the couch. He was working way too many hours and neither of us thought about the importance of making that time for each other. Eventually he found someone who would give him the attention he needed and I fell into a pit of depression due partly from the lack of attention I was getting and partly because we lived in a brand new city and I had two kids under 4. This pattern continued for a few years until we realized that we were in fact our own worst enemies when it came to our marriage.

Everyone thinks affairs are never going to happen to them, or they think that who ever has the affair is the only one in the wrong. After going through my husbands affairs, we both realized that neither of us had invested into our marriage like we should have. We also realized that boundaries had to be set. The boundaries were not because my husband was likely to have another affair, but because all marriages need them. These boundaries include never being alone with someone of the opposite sex. This goes for both of us. It is not ok for me to be alone with a man who is not my husband and it is not ok for him to be alone with a woman who is not his wife. It protects not only us, but the others as well. Another boundary we had to have was counseling someone of the opposite sex. Because we have a marriage resource and have been through our own junk, there are quite a few couples that have come to us for advice. We truly believe that because we have been through our junk we can help others with theirs, but we also have a rule though that the women need to talk to me and the men need to talk to my husband. By that same token we agreed not to share personal information or problems in our marriage with someone of the opposite sex. Basically these boundaries keep us from being in any situation with someone of the opposite sex that could ever lead to something it shouldn't or that even looks like it could. I know that there are people who think it is crazy to have those kinds of boundaries, but if you look at the people who have had affairs most did not have these boundaries in place. The thing about affairs is usually people don't set out to have them, they just fall into them by crossing lines and slowly fading away from their spouse and toward the other person.

So once we figured that out we lived happily ever after right?...Wrong, we are still learning even to this day how to have a happy marriage. We found we need to fight. Both of us have the bad habit of avoiding conflict, but after not being honest with each other to protect feelings we recently learned that we have to be honest even if it leads to a conflict. Overall, we are still learning how to have a good marriage. Really thats good though because if you think you can't still learn new things to make your marriage better, then your marriage will never be as good as it can and should be.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

ssssshhhhhhh someone said S - E - X!

Let's go back to the book of Genesis for a moment. When God created Adam and Eve they were naked and they were not ashamed. Then of course sin came along and they realized they were naked and there has been a stigma about nakedness and sex ever since, but lets stop and think about that. Why should we be ashamed in front of our spouse? If we truly are two becoming one as the Bible says then there should be nothing to hide and yet everyday couples are embarrassed to talk about sex with the one person they are supposed to talk about everything with.
I will be the first to admit that has happened in my marriage. Both of us were afraid to talk about certain things for fear of what the other may think of us. And of course if we can't talk about it with our spouse because we are too embarrassed then there is no way we can talk about it with our friends.
So here's my question, what if we did talk about it? What if we threw it all out there, shared it all and just got real? Would the world end? Would our marriage end? Would we be struck with a bolt of lightening from heaven? Chances are the answer to all of those questions is no. Personally I have found the more things I keep secret from my husband the more trouble there is in my marriage. I didn't say something because I was scared of what would he would say and vice versa. The thing is though, we found out once we finally talked that we both were thinking the same thing.
Now I am sure most of you are thinking "oooooeeeewww wonder what she is talking about." Honestly it was not anything torrid, we both just felt that we needed it more, but it could have been anything and we should have felt the freedom to discuss it openly without fear or embarrassment.
A lot of Christians seem to look at sex as a taboo and therefore never talk about it, but God created it so why shouldn't we talk about it? Ever looked for a book about sex in a Christian bookstore? Sure there are one or two in there, but they either make them sound too technical or it is all about nice sweet making love, lights out in your bedroom after the kids go to sleep. There is never one out there that tells you to mix things up and sneak away during the day. I have yet to see one suggesting other rooms or even role playing. For that kind of thing you have to go to a regular bookstore, but of course Christians can't be seen in that part of the bookstore. What if your small group leader were to walk by on his way to pick up the new Joel Olsteen book and happen to glance down the aisle and see you with that kind of book in your hand. Why he might actually think that you and your spouse, dare I say it, want to have great sex. We can't have that now can we?
Come on people, sex is ok and you do not have to have missionary position sex in your bedroom with the lights off with the intent of making a baby in order for it to be cool with God. I'm no sex expert so I don't feel qualified to write a book about it, but I really would like to find a Christian author who would write about sex and be real about it. I feel like it is almost impossible for Christians to admit they have and enjoy sex. I was once unfriended by a Christian friend on facebook because I dared to take one of those facebook quizzes that mentioned sex. She felt the need to email me and tell me why she was unfriending me and to tell me that sex is something that should not be talked about. Oh my goodness really?! Sorry but not talking about it causes more problems than talking about it ever will.
Tell each other what you like, tell each other what you don't like. Can you imagine doing something to your spouse for years only to find out years later that they didn't like it, but they never told you because they were scared to hurt your feelings? Talk about hurting someone's feelings, they would break my heart. If you don't know what you like then explore it together, maybe you will learn something new and like it even more. As a Christian I don't believe in watching porn so I am not suggesting getting ideas from there, but if you have to go to the sexuality section of a real bookstore and look for a book that will give you more ideas then do it. Don't be afraid to be "naked" about what you want or try something knew.
Also, it is ok to talk about sex with your friends of the same sex. I personally learned a few things by just talking with a friend of mine. Your spouse can't always tell you certain things about sex or your body simply because their parts are different so it can be good to have someone of the same sex that you can just hang with that feels free to talk about sex. I've actually talked with some friends about sex and we managed to help a friend who was having pain during sex. If she had not felt comfortable talking about it with us, then what? Sure you can ask your doctor, but again everything is so technical.
So all I'm saying is get real about sex. Its ok to have it, its ok to enjoy it and for goodness sake it is certainly ok to talk about it.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Its hard being a shoulder to cry on

In our lives we have all come into contact with people who we feel like we can just talk to in times of trouble. They are great listeners, they give great advice and they are always there for us when we need them and when others need them as well. But have you ever stopped to wonder whose these people turn to?
One thing we talk about in The Marriage Playbook is having a 12th man. A 12th man is the person who is a fan of your marriage. They are there when you need to talk and they encourage you when times are tough and give you great advice. You can tell them anything and they listen without judging and they can even tell you when you need a good slap on the head.
We all need a 12th man. So the question is are you being a 12th man or are you only taking from your 12th man. Sure we all need to lean on someone from time to time, but just like you have to deposit money in a bank in order for you to withdraw cash, you have to deposit your time as a 12th man.
You don't have to be a 12th man to your 12th man, you can pay it forward and be there for someone else. Spending all of your time withdrawing from your 12th man will not only deplete your account, but it will also deplete them. I have seen from both sides the effects of taking and never giving and it is emotionally draining for the 12th man. Think about it, if the only time someone ever talked to you it was about their problems would you want to talk to them.
With that being said I ask that you give back and also just say thank you or do something nice for the people who have been there for you. Sometimes a 12th man just wants to go hang out and not talk about problems. Take them out for dinner. Go do something fun and make a rule you won't talk about your problems for the night. You would be amazed how much better you both will feel when the night is over.
I also ask that you be there for someone. We all need a 12th man. Be there for them, don't judge them and listen to what they have to say. It won't only help them, it will also help you get your mind off of your problems too.