Daddy issues

So you went through something bad as a kid or teen; maybe it was from a parent, maybe it was another family member or some random person. What are you doing about that?

I say this to myself for a few things that I have been working on over the years, but I also say this to other people that I talk to on a regular basis. I see people who use their past as an excuse for their current behaviors. "Oh, I did this because..." I'm calling it as I see it people, that's a cop out.

Yes or past shapes us, but are you going to let someone else make you do something you hate, or make you do something you shouldn't? Well, we shouldn't and yet, we do.

It really kind of ticks me off. It is giving power to someone else if we let what they did to us make us be less than our best. Why should they get that kind of power? People in our past made bad choices that affected us, but if we in turn make bad choices because of that then we are affecting someone else and it becomes a vicious cycle of hurt.

I know that for my own girls I don't want my mistakes to make them one day make their own bad choices. Everything we do affects someone, but we have to choose to affect them positively rather than negatively and end the cycle.

It has taken me many years to figure this out so I am hoping by putting this out there I can help someone else avoid the long journey it has taken me. We really all should be learning from other people's mistakes and making better choices. We also should learn from our own mistakes so we don't repeat them. It hurts me to see people hurting due to their own bad choices in life. I want to do what I can to help them avoid them or at least go through the repercussions of their choice and come out on the other side hopefully without having to loose something in the process.

I've taken the spiritual gifts test multiple times and empathy always ranks high on my list. I didn't understand that at first because when I first took it I was young and selfish, but someone explained it to me. He had noticed that even in my young selfishness I still was able to see things from others perspective. That ability to see things from others perspective and in effect care about how they felt has shaped my choices in life.

When I see someone making bad choices or making mistakes I try to see things from their perspective and figure out why they would make that choice. Time and again it comes back to their own personal hurt from the past. Maybe we all need counselling to get through the junk we have been carrying around with us. Imagine how much lighter you would feel if you truly let your junk go. The coolest part of this is we don't have to go through it alone. God is there for us and he also put other people in our lives to help us, but we have to accept that help. Shutting people out and turning our back on people who just want to help us is not the answer. God wants us to ask for help. He is waiting for it, but we have to let go of our own pride and ego and admit that we can't do it alone. We also can't go looking for someone who will back us up in our bad choices. Anyone who supports your bad choice is not looking out for you or your best interest. God did not put them there.

God wants the best for you. Does it stink that we were hurt in the past? You bet it does. Does God want you to wallow in that and hurt others in the process? Uh, NO! And yet everyday, that is exactly what we do. So I say to you now, stop letting your past define you!!! Do the right thing and be the person God wants you to be. You will be better for it and in turn others will be better for it as well.

I'm sorry if Daddy didn't hug you or tell you her loved you or some kid on the playground told you that you were ugly, but that is their issue not yours. "You are beautiful, you are treasured, you are sacred you are His. You were meant for so much more than all of this." (Mercy Me)

Trust

Trust is a word that can get you into trouble. On the one hand we all want people to trust us. On the other hand, once we break that trust, it is a bear to earn back. I generally am a very trusting person. You have to do something pretty bad for me not to trust you and then I will usually forgive you if you ask me to, but if you continue to break that trust then it becomes harder and harder for me to trust you again.

I do my best to be sincere in what I say even if it does not show in my face. The fact that I tend to be an honest person almost to a fault sometimes I expect the same from others. I have found lying only hurts others and in the end the truth usually comes out anyway.

We have all known someone in our life that was not honest. They may have used dishonesty to make themselves look better. They may have used it because they were insecure in who they are. There are a lot of reasons why someone might think it is OK to be dishonest, but I have rarely found a good reason. Now you may say what about protecting someone’s feelings? Well to a point I understand that, but if the truth is most likely going to come out in the end anyway all you have accomplished is hurting them further.

I am not as trusting as I used to be I will admit that. I have been lied to more than I care to admit in my life. The hard part about that is I don’t want to be an untrusting person. I want to trust people. I don’t want to put up walls to protect myself from being hurt by lies. I want to see the good in people. I may deal with depression and I may have my moments where I get angry, but I do believe that there is good in all of us. It really does take a lot for me to walk away from someone even when they have hurt me pretty bad. I keep thinking about the good things they have said or done. Maybe that makes me a glutton for punishment, but I think that we are called to look for the good in people and not assume the worst.

I think some people assume the worst in me sometimes simply because my natural relaxed face looks sad. That is just the way God made me. My mouth turns down at corners and makes me look down even when I am happy. I have even heard some say that my face does not reflect my words, so I guess this is a soapbox of mine when I want people to look for and remember the good and not assume the worst.

All that being said, I challenge you to three things, first be honest. People really do expect you to be honest, why not give them what they want? Second, expect honesty from others. We live in a rather negative world, why not expect people to tell you the truth. Finally, look for the good in others and remember that. Don’t hold onto this hurt or that hurt. Remember the good that they have said and done and stop looking for the bad. We don’t have to be miserable in life. I have a card on my mirror that says “Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.” Some days it is harder to believe that than others, I will admit, but did you ever stop to think that maybe the pain you see in someone else was put there by you either not being honest, you not looking for honesty in them or you not looking for the good in them?

God gave us each other to love and most days we do a pretty good job of that, but I think the bigger challenge that I put out there for you is to love everyone even when they seem unlovable, untrustworthy or they have hurt you. I can’t promise that your love will be returned, but at least you will know you did what you are called to do and in the end God will bless that.

Don't be a runner

There are people who when things get hard or the are afraid will run from a situation. The figure it is easier to quit rather than try it and fail or end up hurt. The name for this kind of person is a runner. I know because I used to be one. Twice I had jobs that were difficult and caused me major stress so rather than stick it out I quit. I also quit piano lessons, violin lessons and I didn't try certain things I wanted to do because of fear of failure. When I was in 9th grade I actually missed three weeks of school strait because I had missed a week when I actually was sick and I knew it would be really hard to make up all of the work I missed, so I just faked being sick for a few more weeks until my mom forced me to go back to school and face what I didn't want to face. In the end, the make up for missing three weeks of school was so much worse than if I had just gone back after one. I might not have ended up in summer school that year.

You may know a runner or you may be a runner. They may be someone who goes from job to job and it is always with the excuse of the boss was a jerk or some other lame excuse. They may play the victim, or they may go from relationship to relationship looking for that new love feeling that is always at the beginning. There are a lot of different variations of runners, but they all think that it is easier to quit than to actually work at whatever they are doing.

As I said earlier, I was a runner. What changed that? I became a mom. Suddenly I couldn't run without hurting someone else. I had to actually stick it out or my children were going to be affected. I was no longer allowed to quit because I was afraid. Having children is hard, but I am not allowed to give up and walk away, not that I would want to, but knowing that is not even an option has made me not be a runner in other areas of my life as well. I have fought harder to keep things good for them. Have I failed at times? You bet I have, but running is still not an option.

In life we always have the choice of sticking it out when things are tough or running. What I learned from it is when I did run there was always regret years later when I looked back at what I had done. I regret not finishing both of the jobs I left early. In both cases I only had one month left until they were done, but it was easier at the time to quit than to suffer through the hard part.

I have seen women especially who have the runner mentality. Sometimes it is actually from their kids and or family. I have also seen women who run from their friends. They think they are a burden to them when they have drama in their life so they close themselves off from their friends and leave their friends wondering what they did. I'll admit I have been known to do that because I was embarrassed about a situation that I was in and didn't want to admit it to them.

The problem with being a runner is it doesn't solve your problem. It may remove you from a situation, but if you are trying to avoid failing, I have news for you, quitting is failing too and there is a pretty good chance you will end up in a worse situation later or right back where you were. So many of us have a fear of failure, but I have learned that we learn just as much from failing as we do from success and you learn even more from sticking it out and seeing it through to the end because you learn how to be a finisher.

If I could go back fifteen years and talk to my 22 year old self I would tell myself to stick it out, try harder and don't let fear of failure keep you from your dreams. I have learned that I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible by sticking to what I have committed to. Is it hard sometimes and does it really stink when I am going through a slump that doesn't seem to have any hope? Yeah it does! But I can tell you I regret running a whole lot more than I will ever regret sticking it out and dealing with the hard parts. Don't even let running be an option.

We all have critics in our lives we don't need to be our own. Don't let anyone take away your dreams most especially yourself.

You are strong

Over the last year I have seen lives crumble, marriages end and people break. 2010 has not been a good year for many people. I want to say this though to all of you, especially the women who I personally have seen hurting. YOU ARE STRONG!

I know that in a world of either big egos or big insecurities a lot of women have been made to feel like they are not valid for one reason or another. Stay Home moms are made to feel bad because they have chosen to stay home and take care of their family rather than go out and have a career of their own. Moms who work are made to feel bad because they can't be their for their kids when they need them. And whether they work or not women have been made to feel bad for loving their family so much that they give up their own dreams to be there for them.

I say it is all a load of garbage. Supporting your family does not make you weak. It does not mean you have no life of your own. It means that you love your family and you are doing what we are all called to do, which is serve one another.

I have chosen to stay home and do the Marriage Playbook with my husband from home. I have followed my husband from city to city as he changed careers. I have driven my children to swim lessons, choir practice, dance class, gotten them ready for school every morning, packed lunched, washed every ones clothes, bought groceries and been there to cheer all of them on as they have done what they have wanted to do. So do I do this because I have no life? No I do this because I love my family and I am serving them and that is OK.

I think women get a bad rap for giving things up to support their family whether they work and support them financially or they stay home and support them emotionally. I am not saying that we should not have something that is our own. I personally love to read and take pictures. I enjoy hanging out with my friends or going to the movies, so i won't let it be said I have no life and all you other women out there should not let it be said about you either.

We are strong women. As I said in an earlier blog, no more buts. My heart aches for the women I have seen crushed over the last year. Their mistake if you can call it that was loving and supporting their family.

We deserve respect for what we do. We deserve love for what we do and we are strong because of what we do. God did not give us a spirit of timidity 2 Timothy 1:7, yeah I know I said that in my last blog, but it bears repeating because we keep forgetting.

When did it become wrong to serve your family? I think in our world of selfishness and worldly me-ism those of us who want to serve and help are looked down on. So I say to you, be strong in what you do, don't let someone else make choices for you and don't apologize for who you were called to be. God has a plan for you, just like he does for me :)

No more buts

How often have you been known to have someone tell you what you should do or their opinion of what you should do and then you come up with some reason why you can't do it. I know I have said, "Yeah, but..." more times than I care to admit. As someone who has counseled people I have heard it many times. "Yeah, but if I do that..." or "I would but..." It is so easy to "but" our way through life.

What if you stopped giving reasons for why you can't do something and started giving reasons for why you can. 2 Timothy 1:7 says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" So if God didn't make us timid, why are we acting like he did? Why do we keep coming up with excuses for why we can't? We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we can do more than we think we can. 2 Timothy 2:1 "You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus"

I wish I could say that I have always believed in myself and have never made excuses for why I couldn't or shouldn't do something. I have made excuses for why I couldn't do certain jobs, why I didn't try out for a play and why I didn't speak up when someone had hurt me. It took some hard realities hitting me and a realization that I have kept God from showing up and showing off, with my "buts" and "nos" to stop and ask myself "why not".

I hear it on a regular basis, especially from women. "I want to talk to my husband about "insert issue here", but I am afraid of what he will say or do." or "I want to do that, but I don't think I would do a good job." or "I would try that, but I'm scared." There are thousands more reasons and excuses why we don't do or say what we should do, but there are very few that are actually legitimate.

So I challenge you and I challenge myself to say yes more and take that risk that scares us to death. If we fail or it doesn't go well, so what. We learn something and grow whether it happens or not. One of the things I respect about my husband is his "no fear" attitude. He is never afraid to call someone and ask for something he wants. There have been times that he has told me something he was going to do and that little voice in my head has kind of made me nervous, but I have learned that it has gotten us far with things I never thought possible. Even when we have been told no or ignored, it was always a chance worth taking. Someone told me once, "the only way to fail every time is to never try."

I am currently looking for a new job. I could easily say that I can only get a job in child care because that is where most of my experience is, but it is not what I want to do. I have made the decision this time to go after the jobs I never thought possible. Will I be told no sometimes? Yes, I will, but I will never hear yes if I don't at least try. What are you going to say yes to today?

Why did I stay

Over the last month I have been asked to share our story in an interview that someone is working on for a possible TV. I have to say it is not easy going back through and going through all the gory details. We are used to telling the condensed version of the story.

We let jobs, kids and depression and other people come between us in our marriage and it very nearly ended in divorce due to infidelity. While I hated the idea of being a divorced woman, I did not see a way out of it in light of all that had occurred. I was preparing for my future as a single woman. I had been offered a job in Nashville, we had the divorce papers drawn up, we just had to file them. Then in a last minute rescue mission our marriage was saved due to prayers, repentance and a changed heart for both of us. I had felt all along that it could be saved. I even told people that I felt like we would reconcile especially once the other woman was no longer in the picture. I trusted God to heal us, but at the same time I had to take steps to move forward in case we didn't get there due to hardened hearts.

When he came back and asked to work it out, I didn't trust him to mean it. I had heard that story before only to have him change his mind and tell me he didn't want to work it out anymore. He bruised my heart on more than one occasion and trust was no where to be found in me.

While being interviewed I was asked why I stayed after he cheated. I didn't know what the faith background of the people I was talking to so I wasn't sure how to explain it if they didn't understand the concept of forgiveness in Christ how did I tell them that if it were not for the fact that we are called to forgive I could not do it? The pain was very real and the lack of trust was overwhelming, but in the end it came down to love. I loved him, to this very day I still do. I may not be very good at showing it at times and I let myself get distracted very easily, but no matter what I love him. I knew that if he was willing to make this work then I could forgive and we would take steps to fix us.

We began praying together every night and I got a job that I was surrounded by fun people all day. That helped me a lot because after 6 years of being a Stay Home Mom, I had not had real adult interaction that did not involve a play date or at least a mom's night out. I was happy again and he was too.

Over the last 3 years we have been working on learning how to have a good marriage and we have been telling our story to help others not go down the road and make the bad choices that we did. Do we follow our own advice? I would love to say we do, but unfortunately we are human and we make mistakes. I'm a Stay home mom again and while I have more adult interaction than I did, it is still not enough. He works multiple jobs and is gone from us a lot and we don't have the family time that we need. We also don't pray together like we should. Why am I saying this now? Because I am saying that it is easy to screw up again and we do and we will, but when we realize that we are doing it, we have to stop and take a look at the choices we have made and look at ourselves and change ourselves. I can't force him to be faithful to me for the rest of my life, just like he can't force me to have a smile on my face all the time. The key is to work on yourself and pray for the other person and let God take care of it. We can only change ourselves and sometimes it takes being shaken to the core to realize you screwed up again. 3 years ago I was shaken to the core when he cheated, but out of that I looked within and changed me and drew closer to God.

I have to admit, I have not been doing my part lately and I just now realized it. So do I regret staying? No, I do not it was what was best for my family, do I think we will always stay together I hope so and pray that we will, but if we don't keep God in the center of our marriage I can guarantee we won't survive. So let me encourage you. Please! Please keep God in the center of your marriage. Pray for each other, pray together and grow in Christ, because without Him there is no chance.

bad choices

At some point in our lives we all make bad choices. Sometimes those choices hurt us and sometimes they hurt others, but someone always gets hurt. It is easy to look back after bad choice was made and see why it was a bad choice and how you could have avoided, but the hard truth is you change it once it happens. We can either choose to live in the past and hold onto past hurts resulting from bad choices or we can let it go. That is easier said than done of course, but in all comes down forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not saying that what someone did was ok, it is saying that you are going to let it go and let God handle it. The same goes for forgiving yourself. If you kick yourself for everything you have done, you just end up miserable. I have begun to learn that confessing it to God and to whomever you hurt is the best way to be free of the unforgiveness for yourself.

Forgiveness is actually not for the forgiven it is for the forgiver. Releasing the forgiven from the bondage of your hurt while it may good for them to know it also releases you. god tells us to forgive others as He has forgiven us. If we don't forgive others then how can we expect God to be forgiving when the things we have done that has hurt Him are so much worse.

I fight with myself quite often about letting go of past hurts that I have committed. Hind sight is 20/20. We can easily look back and see where we have hurt people, but at the time we either didn't realize it or just didn't care. I tend to fall into the I didn't realize it more times than not, but there are those occasional times where I want the other person to hurt because they hurt me.

The Bible tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. I know I screw that up, A LOT! I was raised to speak my mind and while there are times that is a good thing there are times it is not. I find myself trying to fix the situation and sometimes I just make it worse. I hate hurting people, especially people I love and yet I do it. I have baggage from my past that I have tried to carry around with me and it just keeps getting heavier making my back hurt and making me cranky.

I have to work on me right now and deal with all of that baggage. While a few years ago I did deal with some of it, I think I left some of it behind. I feel as tho past hurts have caused me to be angry with myself for letting them happen. I think of all the things I could have done to keep them from happening and I hate myself for it, even tho most of the hurts that I have held onto could not have been stopped. I was young and not very strong. Now I am strong and older, but those same insecurities keep coming back to haunt me.

Oh if there were only some magic pill that would make me forget all the pain in my life. I've called it depression and to a point it is, and I have been trying my hardest to deal with that, but I think also there is that young girl in me that is screaming and doesn't want to let go of what hurt me.

I don't have answers to any of this. I try to forgive and I confess, but somehow I always fall short. I can't believe it is all my fault. I have to believe that there are outside forces at work. They put those seeds of doubt in our mind and cause us to withdraw to keep from being hurt again. When we withdraw from one thing we look for something else to fill that void. For me it was reading and being on my computer. For others it might be someone else or drugs or alcohol. We all desire to feel important, we just don't always go about attaining that desire in the best way.

So there is no revelation here there is only regret. Regret at mistakes and regret at words. May we all find a way to forgive each other and ourselves.