The Girl With The Light In Her Eyes

While cleaning out my closet the other day I came across a box of pictures that I had just never gotten around to putting in an album or scrap book. I came across a few pictures of myself from Christmas 1994. Now it is important to know that 1994 was one of the best years of my life. I was 21 years old and I was in love and things were just going well for me. Throw in the fact that it was Christmas, my favorite holiday at the time, and I was one happy girl.

The look on my face in these pictures show how high on life I was. It shows the love, peace, joy and happiness that I was feeling at the time. The thought that struck me as I looked at the pictures was that there was a light in my eyes. There was so much life and innocence there. I had no idea what lay ahead of me, where life would take me or the joy and pain that I would go through over the next 16 years.

A part of me looks at that girl and wants to go back and have a do over, but then I think about the unavoidable painful events that I went through and I don't want to relive those. Then I think about going back and just talking to my 21 year old self and telling her what not to do, but then I think about how I probably would not listen to myself and there is also the whole space time continuum things so if I didn't go through what I have been through I would not learn enough to tell myself not to do what I did. Yeah it is very Back to the Future kinda thing.

The problem with both of those scenarios though is that I can't do either and I am there person I am today because of all of the things that have happened to me in my WHOLE life. I do wonder though, is there something that girl with the light in her eyes could teach me now? I think just by being in those pictures she already did. She reminded me that the girl with the light in her eyes is still in me and I am still that girl just with a lot more wisdom.

I have made it a point over the last few days to let that girl out again and I have to say I have missed her. I don't know why I let her hide for awhile, but it feels really good to have that light in me again. Interestingly enough just in the few days that I have been letting her shine I have gotten some pretty cool compliments which of course makes me feel even better and in turn makes my light shine brighter. If I could go back and talk to that 21 year old girl right now I would say thank you. Thank you for those pictures that reminded me who I was and who I still am.

So what's the challenge from this blog? Find that light in yourself again and don't let it go. If you have lost it think back to a time when you had the light in your eyes and learn from that person. If you still have that light in your eyes, don't let it go, matter of fact let it shine brighter than ever before. I am and I will.

Expectations

Do we really see what other people do for us or are we so self absorbed that most of it just goes by without notice? I don't do things for other people for the thanks or recognition, but at the same time I don't like it when I know I did something and it was seen as not having been done. Maybe I didn't do it the way you wanted me to or maybe I didn't do it the way you would have, but I did it just the same. I guess it comes down to those people not getting me and how I do things. Maybe they don't see what I gave up to do something for them. I don't know, but I will always wish I had been recognized for what I did do.

Its frustrating really, when you put your heart into something and it is ignored. I am not looking to write a pity party. I am not looking for someone to make a big deal out of what I know I have done, but I just want us all to be aware of other people around us and what they do.

We all have a primary love language, but at the same time we should be speaking all the rest too. Overtime peoples love languages change anyway so if you are speaking them all you have a better chance of hitting which ever one is dominant at the time. We can know someones love language, but if they don't notice you speaking it you might as well be speaking one they care nothing about at all.

One of the most frustrating experiences in life is to try to do something to the best of your ability and to fail at it; not because you didn't try, but because you somehow did it wrong. Sometimes someone will come along and take the time to show you how to do it right after you screw it up. and when they do you learn and you get better. I have been working in theatre lately and I am not very skilled at a lot of things that need to be done, but I have had some great people who have been wonderful about teaching me how to do things right. Do I get it right every time? No I don't. As a matter of fact I tend to screw up the first time I do just about anything, but I love how these people have not just pushed me aside and decided I wasn't doing it or that I couldn't. After showing me again, most of the time I get it. Do I always do it perfectly after that? No, but I love that they are willing to correct me and tell me again how to do it. Sure there are times where they snap because I didn't do something right, but the beauty is we understand that in the end we all still care about each other and we can go hit Panera and laugh and be stupid together.

Isn't that really how we all should be with each other? I mean we can't expect someone to know what we want them to do if we don't tell them or show them and we can't assume they will get it right the first time. Everyday unnecessary fights are had, feelings are hurt, hearts are broken, relationships end, jobs are even lost all because we fail to take the time to explain what we want and expect.

So what can we do? Well going back to my first point, when they do something right acknowledge it and if you have an expectation of them, look to see if they really are doing it and don't just assume because it isn't done your way that they didn't do it. Next explain yourself and I'm not just talking about the person who wants something done. Sometimes the person who did it wrong deserves a chance to explain why they did it the way they did it. Maybe they thought they did it right. Maybe they didn't understand the directions. Maybe they had a perfectly good reason for doing it the way they did it or maybe you were not clear and they were scared to ask again. Whatever the reason it can't get better if the communication is not there or you are not acknowledging when they do it.

If you are the person with the expectations, let me recommend that you show some grace for the person trying to learn. You really have no idea what is going through their mind. There is a good chance they are so scared of letting you down that they are afraid to try. There is also the chance that they are thinking if they shoot blindly at the bullseye they will hit it since they don't know where it is. There can be dozens of things running through their mind, but you will never know until you give them another chance and open your eyes, ears, mind and heart.

Why settle for less?

I talk all the time about how women need to be strong and that they should not let people treat them bad. I really hope that my message is getting out there especially to those women who think they don't deserve better due to low self esteem. But I also want my message to get to me. Due to some crazy things that have happened in my life, I will admit my self esteem has never been very great, but the thing is I know that I am an amazing woman so why do I let stupid people make me feel like I am not just because they are too selfish to see it?

I know another girl who has low self esteem and I see her making the same mistakes I made and it kills me. I would love the chance to talk to her and let her know she deserves better, but I think some women just need to learn things on their own. All I can do is sit back and wait for it to happen and then hope that she finally sees that we as women are amazing, but only if we make ourselves amazing. Settling for less just because we think that is all we are worth is sad.

I have had people in my life since I was a child making me feel less than I am. Some did it to make themselves feel better. Some did it out of pure selfishness and some did it just because they are sick.

No matter why people hurt us we can't keep giving them the power to hurt us more. I have seen women return to abusive husbands because they think they can't do better or because their husbands swore they would change. The thing about abusers though, they don't change. I'm not just talking about physical abuse either. I have a few friends who have or had emotionally abusive husbands. Their husbands controlled them with fear and mind games. Every time the woman would start to feel strong in who they were the husbands were there to knock them back down or lie to them so that the women would give them another chance.

It is men like that that have me worried for the future of my daughters. I don't want them ending up with some jerk who treats them bad or makes them feel less than amazing, but how do I train them up to know they deserve better? I have seen parents who never really lifted up their kids or told them they loved them and just basically let the children raise themselves and learn from life. I have also seen the flip side of the coin though. I have seen parents go over board and tell their child how wonderful and great they are non-stop to the point where the child had an over inflated sense of self and those children grew up to be selfish people.

So where is that happy medium? How do we raise strong women who have a good sense of self, but are not selfish? I don't want my girls growing up thinking that it is ok to be with someone who is a jerk. I can't always be with them to protect them from outside influences so I have to trust that God will protect them. I know they are going to see and experience things in life that could have a profound impact on what they think is ok. I just have to do my best to counteract that influence so that they know they are beautiful, strong girls.

God will be there for my girls as they grow up, but it is up to us as parents to be the godly role models they need to see so that they can be godly women. God doesn't want them settling for the not even next best thing. God wants to give them His best. I will teach my girls what to expect out of their future husbands and how to be good wives, but ultimately they are going to take from everything they see and hear and make their own choices. I can only hope that what they see and hear is what is best for them in God's eyes and not our own.

So my take away challenge this time? Don't settle for less than God's best for your life. Be the strong, beautiful women God created you to be and get away from the people in your life that are not God's best for you.

You're Beautiful, its true

I'm going to start this blog by saying something directly to women. Women YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You are amazing, you are strong and you are worth a good man. I say that because I see so many women out there who for some reason or another just don't seem to think that they are worth a quality relationship. They stay with a guy that treats them like garbage for years out or fear of not having someone or simply because they don't think the can do or deserve better. They date a married man because..., ok I don't know why they do that, but they do. These women all seem to be under the impression that they don't deserve better.

I'm here to say to all of those women, you deserve better. I have seen a quote on facebook many times, not sure who it is by, but it rings true not matter what, "Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs." If a guy treats you like garbage or is seeing you while he is married, you are not his priority. He is his priority. He is looking to feel better about himself. If he is treating you badly then by you feeling bad it allows you to feel better about yourself. If he is married to someone else then he is trying to feel like he is desired again. I know that in the married situation sometimes the wife has not shown him the attention he thinks he deserves, but it is not your place to give it to him. That is between him and his wife and God.

We live in a time where we are constantly being bombarded with images of the "perfect woman" She has to be thin, have large breasts, straight teeth, perfect eyes, nose and mouth, but if you look around at the real world you will see that women just don't look like that. The women in Hollywood don't even look like that. The pictures are airbrushed or they had surgery or liposuction. A good man isn't looking for perfection from his woman. A good man is looking for a woman who gets him, loves him, respects him and completes him. If he is looking for something superficial like how you look or the type of attention you give him, well then he is not a good man. Sorry to have to say it ladies, but there are a lot of jerks out there.

Now I know that the jerk to good guy ratio is making it harder for women to find good men, but that doesn't mean you have to settle for the first guy to show you some attention or even the second or third guy. Set your standards high. Look for that guy that will treat you well. Look for the guy who will protect you and that wants you and only you. Ask questions about his past relationships. You don't ask because you want to be hurt by his past, but you ask so you know how he treated the women in his past. Chances are if he treated them badly or didn't respect them, then he isn't going to treat you right either. Sure you may get a few years of him treating you right, but then life will happen and he will see you with the flu or hear you throwing up and if he is the kind of guy who gets bored easily then he is going to go find a new girl that hasn't thrown up around him.

I really want women to realize that they can do better if they just stop settling. I am not saying to any woman than you should leave your husband if he is not great. I am saying to all those women out there who are dating jerks to let them go. So what if you have a big nose, swinty eyes and a big butt, you can do better if you will just realize that you are worth more than what he is giving you. Stop settling! Look for the good guys. If you are in a bad relationship then get out. If you are seeing a married man, even if he is leaving his wife, get out. That is no way to start a relationship and you will always be wondering if he gets bored with you if he will look for someone else.

Realize that you are worth more than the sloppy seconds or harsh treatment these guys are giving you. I don't know what your childhood was like so I don't know what made your self esteem what it is. If you have good self esteem then great. Take that and find a man worthy of you. If you have low self esteem then first off stop that, second off look at yourself through God's eyes and see that you were beautifully and wonderfully made. Just because some jerk in your past made you feel unworthy of love doesn't mean you are. Just because your mother had low self esteem doesn't mean you should. Take pride in who God made you and see the beautiful woman you are. Sure it may take longer to find the guy that will treat you right, but in the long run you will be happier and you will save yourself a lot of heartache. I really wish more women would have this philosophy when it comes to finding a man. Maybe if women will only start dating the good guys then the jerks will see that they have to be good in order to have a good woman and in the process of natural selection all the jerks will die out. After all, if there are no jerks to raise jerk sons or daughters with no self esteem then only the good guys will be raising kids and the over population of jerks can go the way of the saber tooth tiger.... Hey a girl can dream can't she.

Say Anything

Do you have that friend that just gets you? You know the one you can say anything to and they get it. Do you have that friend that you have inside jokes with? Do you quote movies and TV shows or repeat something one of you said a long time ago just so you can remember the fun of that day and laugh?

I have almost that friend. I have the friend that gets me and that I can quote things to, but I have different friends that I can say anything to and they get it. They used to be one in the same, but somewhere along the way the friend that I quote with became the person I couldn't say anything to.

I love having friends that I can be real with. The ones I can show my warped side to or my gross side. I think we all need that. I also love having the friend that I can quote things to. That friend has been there through a lot of stuff in my life and understands when I talk about college night because they were a part of it with me. This friend was there with me through some amazing times in my life and I enjoy remembering those moments with them. I wonder though why did we stop being able to say anything to each other. That friend was my best friend for a lot of years. That friend was the person I called when something great happened and that friend was the shoulder I cried on when something bad happened. I still find myself when something great or funny happens wanting to call them and tell them, but rarely are they the person I call when something bad happens. I rarely call them if I am hurting or sad, that's what the other friends have become for me.

Why do we let our friendships fall away like that? Why do we stop saying what we are thinking? Chances are those friends would not have judged us had we just been real with them. Chances are those friends are thinking the same thing sometimes. They were that friend for a reason you know?

We live in such a transient society these days. By the time my youngest daughter was 4 1/2 she had lived in 4 states. Where we are now is the longest she has ever lived somewhere and in two months it will be the longest my oldest has ever lived somewhere. How do we keep up with our friends when we don't even live near them anymore? How do we keep that bond strong? Facebook helps to a point, but sometimes it is just a distraction from living our real life. I know I have been guilty of sitting home all day long on the computer with no real contact with anyone. Even when other people were in my house I was sitting at the computer. Have we become such a tech mesmerized society that we no longer have the ability to have real interactions with each other?

I don't want my world to be wrapped up in my next status update or reading everyone else's status update. We rationalize that we keep up and talk to more friends because we have facebook. Yeah, I have talked with people I went to college with, high school with and even people I lived across the street from until I was 7. It is great catching up when we first find them, but then really do you talk to them anymore or do you just read and comment on each other's statuses? Do you basically facebook stalk and never really keep up with their real life? I KNOW I am guilty of that. If you think about it though we only put snippets of our lives on facebook, well unless you are an over sharer, and well that is for another blog. So if we only put snippets out there then we really are not doing life with each other, we are just being nosy.

I have had a few friends message me occasionally if my posts seem sad or dark, but overall we are not interacting. Social networking seems to be a must these days. You have to twitter, or facebook or blog to keep in touch with the world and as great as it can seem at times I really think it is making us more and more anti-social. We don't get together for coffee to hang out anymore. No, we chat on facebook or we text. We don't laugh out loud with our friends anymore. No, we LOL or LMBO. No wonder there are marriages breaking up because of social networking. We are so used to speaking in status updates and chats and texts that we don't know how to have face time anymore.

The reason I can no longer say anything to my friend is because we quit saying anything out loud. Our conversations started consisting of texts and emails. Heck we couldn't even pick up the phone to talk. Sure I can send a funny quote through a text, but where is the satisfaction of seeing them literally laugh out loud? I want to say "PIVOT!" and actually see a smile and well "Narkey" just doesn't come across in written word. Chances are anyone reading this has no idea what either of those quotes mean, but my friend does and that is one of the reasons we are friends. Will we ever be able to say anything to each other again? Well I hope so. No matter what this person is my friend, but I also need to take the time to actually use my voice not just for this one friend, but for all of those that I know I can say anything to.

So my challenge this time is to stop living in a cyber world so much and take the time to use your voice. We really do have something to say and no I am not missing the irony that I am saying this all online, but hey baby steps right?

Runaway Bride

Have you ever seen the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? If you haven't here is a brief summary. Richard Gere is a reporter who goes to this small town to do a story on Julia Robert's character who has been deemed the Runaway Bride because she has run out on quite a few weddings to various guys. There is some more stuff that happens, but if you want to know more than I am telling you then go rent it.

Anyway, one of the parts of the movie that really stuck with me was him asking each of her former fiancées how she liked her eggs and each one of them telling him that she liked them the way they liked him. It was a small thing with great significance. The guys all thought she liked her eggs like they did because when she was with each one of them she changed to be what she thought they wanted her to be. She did not know what she wanted.

In many relationships women tend to become who they think the man wants them to be. They don't do it consciously usually, but over time they lose a piece of themselves. When I met my husband I did not like football at all. We met in February so football season had just ended. We had six months of the getting to know each other part of our relationship before NFL Preseason started. He began to get all excited and I kind of sunk at the thought of loosing him to football for the next six months. He was smart enough to ask me why I didn't like football and I told him because I didn't understand it. He then took it upon himself to teach me football so we could watch together. I became a Tennessee Volunteer fan because he was and that was the games he was teaching me through. I had grown up in the middle of Alabama/Auburn Football as an Alabama fan, but after meeting students from that school I could no longer make myself be an Alabama fan and really I only cared who won the Iron Bowl anyway so it wasn't like I was giving up a huge part of who I was to change teams.

Over time I have become a huge football fan. I still cheer for the Vols, even though they have not been great over the last ten years and after having lived in Nashville as the Titans were starting I became a Titans fan as well. I will admit that now living in Indiana I don't get the chance to watch the games like I would like so I sadly do not know the players like I used to, but I still watch when I can and hope for the best.

So what's the big deal about football? Well, me beginning to like football was just the start of me changing myself for him. I was never a big music fan other than the Beatles. I had honestly learned to tune most music out after having dated a guy that constantly listened to heavy metal. My husband, however, was a musician and music was his life. So I began to expand my horizons and learned all new genres of music and I found that I did in fact like most kids of music. Jazz being one of the few that I cannot tolerate at all for any length of time.

There were other things I was exposed to due to him and I will not say I am not thankful to have learned about them, but I do regret giving up the things I was into in order to have the time to do the things he was into. Shopping was a huge one, but I will get back to that. My point is I gave up my passions for his.

Now you may think that he learned some of my passions and I taught him things. If you think that you would be wrong and he would not be the only man that has not made that effort. It seems most men don't take the time to learn what the women in their life are passionate about. I don't know if it is because they think it is too girlie or what, but it is quite common for the woman to learn to like what the man likes and the man to not care about what she like. Then ten plus years down the road the women are not the woman they were when they first met and then comes the fight of "you have changed". First off, we all change so that is a stupid fighting point. Second, she changed so she could spend more time with the guy.

Before I met my husband I would save up my money and go shopping. I would usually drag my mom along, but sometimes I went with a friend or alone. I would spend hours looking at clothes and trying them on until I found the best outfits at the best prices. Then I met my husband and he hates to shop for anything but music or electronics. Where I could spend hours in a mall looking at clothes, he could spend hours in a record store going through vinyl. When he and I would go to the mall together he would drag me into a music store and I would be bored out of my mind so when I would go in a clothing store I didn't want him to feel the way I had felt in the record store so I learned to walk in take a quick walk through and if nothing jumped out at me right away I walked back out. My whole shopping pattern changed. His on the other hand did not and so eventually he got to the point where he would only go to music stores without me which I was fine with.

So what is the point in telling you this? Well, I am here to stand up and say I want me back! I want to go shopping and take my time. I want to sit down with a book even if there is football on and read. I want to go out with my female friends and laugh and make fun of things and I challenge every other woman out there to do the same thing. Don't wait until there is something wrong in your relationship or you have a fight about how you have changed. Do it now! Be that girl you were before you had a man in your life. You don't have to go off to some hippie commune to find yourself, just remember yourself.

Men are great to have in your life, but I can almost guarantee that they don't want to look into sad eyes that have no clue of who they are. It is a process. You won't wake up tomorrow and suddenly be who you want to be, but by taking that first step you are on the road to finding her again. After all isn't that who they fell in love with in the first place? Why does getting married and having kids have to mean that you have to lose who you are? Get out there and find out how you like your eggs.

What we leave behind

Have you ever thought about what you will eave behind when you die? I'm not talking about just your personal belongings, although feel free to throw me into your will at anytime :) What I am actually talking about is your legacy. What will your friends and family say about you after you are gone?

I for one wonder what they will say. I know some will say I was funny and sarcastic and rarely neglected to give my opinion. I know some will say I was a "b" word because I will admit to some people I have been. But I would also hope that they would say something about my caring heart and how much I don't want others to hurt. I've taken those spiritual gifts tests so many times and mercy is always at the top of the list for me, but I don't know that many people actually see that side of me. Sometimes it gets hidden behind my own pain and sometimes, I will honestly say, I get lazy and don't let it show. I would also hope that I would be remembered for my ability to forgive. I have forgiven a lot of people in my life who have hurt me in many different ways. I don't say that to toot my own horn, I say that because it was something I had to learn to do in order to get through my depression. I found that holding grudges and holding onto hurts didn't hurt the person I was hurt by, it only hurt me.

So what else do I want to leave behind? I just read an article about people dying and their facebook and/or twitter pages being part of that legacy. I had not really thought about that until then. I mean what does your last post say about you? Would you be happy with whatever your last post was if you died right now? It really made me think that I need to try harder with my posts. I mean I really don't know how I would feel about my last post talking about the new lipstick I bought. Not that I think I will be thinking about that once I am dead, but it is the principle of the thing. Your facebook or twitter page will become a memorial to you for awhile after you die. Do you really want a complaint about the service at McDonalds to be the last thing people hear from you? Now if the food at McDonalds killed you and you had complained about that, maybe that would be ok, but other than that, I don't think that is the last words I want of mine to be about.

What does all of this mean? Well, I don't really know. I can't guarantee that every post I make from here on out is going to be deep and thoughtful, but maybe I will be less inclined to post that complaint about the BMV... Nah, who am I kidding it is the freakin BMV of course I will complain about them. But then after that I will immediately post something a little deeper :) Besides those who know me well, know that I have an opinion about everything right?

I guess what I am trying to say is to try to be more positive with your posts and maybe that picture of you drunk dancing on a table is not the best thing to have as your profile picture. But you don't have to be all deep to leave that legacy. I think I want my last post to be something that makes people laugh and I think I need to post a few more pictures of myself having fun so just maybe my final post will be one my girls can smile at and say, "Yep, that was my mom."