Runaway Bride

Have you ever seen the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? If you haven't here is a brief summary. Richard Gere is a reporter who goes to this small town to do a story on Julia Robert's character who has been deemed the Runaway Bride because she has run out on quite a few weddings to various guys. There is some more stuff that happens, but if you want to know more than I am telling you then go rent it.

Anyway, one of the parts of the movie that really stuck with me was him asking each of her former fiancées how she liked her eggs and each one of them telling him that she liked them the way they liked him. It was a small thing with great significance. The guys all thought she liked her eggs like they did because when she was with each one of them she changed to be what she thought they wanted her to be. She did not know what she wanted.

In many relationships women tend to become who they think the man wants them to be. They don't do it consciously usually, but over time they lose a piece of themselves. When I met my husband I did not like football at all. We met in February so football season had just ended. We had six months of the getting to know each other part of our relationship before NFL Preseason started. He began to get all excited and I kind of sunk at the thought of loosing him to football for the next six months. He was smart enough to ask me why I didn't like football and I told him because I didn't understand it. He then took it upon himself to teach me football so we could watch together. I became a Tennessee Volunteer fan because he was and that was the games he was teaching me through. I had grown up in the middle of Alabama/Auburn Football as an Alabama fan, but after meeting students from that school I could no longer make myself be an Alabama fan and really I only cared who won the Iron Bowl anyway so it wasn't like I was giving up a huge part of who I was to change teams.

Over time I have become a huge football fan. I still cheer for the Vols, even though they have not been great over the last ten years and after having lived in Nashville as the Titans were starting I became a Titans fan as well. I will admit that now living in Indiana I don't get the chance to watch the games like I would like so I sadly do not know the players like I used to, but I still watch when I can and hope for the best.

So what's the big deal about football? Well, me beginning to like football was just the start of me changing myself for him. I was never a big music fan other than the Beatles. I had honestly learned to tune most music out after having dated a guy that constantly listened to heavy metal. My husband, however, was a musician and music was his life. So I began to expand my horizons and learned all new genres of music and I found that I did in fact like most kids of music. Jazz being one of the few that I cannot tolerate at all for any length of time.

There were other things I was exposed to due to him and I will not say I am not thankful to have learned about them, but I do regret giving up the things I was into in order to have the time to do the things he was into. Shopping was a huge one, but I will get back to that. My point is I gave up my passions for his.

Now you may think that he learned some of my passions and I taught him things. If you think that you would be wrong and he would not be the only man that has not made that effort. It seems most men don't take the time to learn what the women in their life are passionate about. I don't know if it is because they think it is too girlie or what, but it is quite common for the woman to learn to like what the man likes and the man to not care about what she like. Then ten plus years down the road the women are not the woman they were when they first met and then comes the fight of "you have changed". First off, we all change so that is a stupid fighting point. Second, she changed so she could spend more time with the guy.

Before I met my husband I would save up my money and go shopping. I would usually drag my mom along, but sometimes I went with a friend or alone. I would spend hours looking at clothes and trying them on until I found the best outfits at the best prices. Then I met my husband and he hates to shop for anything but music or electronics. Where I could spend hours in a mall looking at clothes, he could spend hours in a record store going through vinyl. When he and I would go to the mall together he would drag me into a music store and I would be bored out of my mind so when I would go in a clothing store I didn't want him to feel the way I had felt in the record store so I learned to walk in take a quick walk through and if nothing jumped out at me right away I walked back out. My whole shopping pattern changed. His on the other hand did not and so eventually he got to the point where he would only go to music stores without me which I was fine with.

So what is the point in telling you this? Well, I am here to stand up and say I want me back! I want to go shopping and take my time. I want to sit down with a book even if there is football on and read. I want to go out with my female friends and laugh and make fun of things and I challenge every other woman out there to do the same thing. Don't wait until there is something wrong in your relationship or you have a fight about how you have changed. Do it now! Be that girl you were before you had a man in your life. You don't have to go off to some hippie commune to find yourself, just remember yourself.

Men are great to have in your life, but I can almost guarantee that they don't want to look into sad eyes that have no clue of who they are. It is a process. You won't wake up tomorrow and suddenly be who you want to be, but by taking that first step you are on the road to finding her again. After all isn't that who they fell in love with in the first place? Why does getting married and having kids have to mean that you have to lose who you are? Get out there and find out how you like your eggs.

What we leave behind

Have you ever thought about what you will eave behind when you die? I'm not talking about just your personal belongings, although feel free to throw me into your will at anytime :) What I am actually talking about is your legacy. What will your friends and family say about you after you are gone?

I for one wonder what they will say. I know some will say I was funny and sarcastic and rarely neglected to give my opinion. I know some will say I was a "b" word because I will admit to some people I have been. But I would also hope that they would say something about my caring heart and how much I don't want others to hurt. I've taken those spiritual gifts tests so many times and mercy is always at the top of the list for me, but I don't know that many people actually see that side of me. Sometimes it gets hidden behind my own pain and sometimes, I will honestly say, I get lazy and don't let it show. I would also hope that I would be remembered for my ability to forgive. I have forgiven a lot of people in my life who have hurt me in many different ways. I don't say that to toot my own horn, I say that because it was something I had to learn to do in order to get through my depression. I found that holding grudges and holding onto hurts didn't hurt the person I was hurt by, it only hurt me.

So what else do I want to leave behind? I just read an article about people dying and their facebook and/or twitter pages being part of that legacy. I had not really thought about that until then. I mean what does your last post say about you? Would you be happy with whatever your last post was if you died right now? It really made me think that I need to try harder with my posts. I mean I really don't know how I would feel about my last post talking about the new lipstick I bought. Not that I think I will be thinking about that once I am dead, but it is the principle of the thing. Your facebook or twitter page will become a memorial to you for awhile after you die. Do you really want a complaint about the service at McDonalds to be the last thing people hear from you? Now if the food at McDonalds killed you and you had complained about that, maybe that would be ok, but other than that, I don't think that is the last words I want of mine to be about.

What does all of this mean? Well, I don't really know. I can't guarantee that every post I make from here on out is going to be deep and thoughtful, but maybe I will be less inclined to post that complaint about the BMV... Nah, who am I kidding it is the freakin BMV of course I will complain about them. But then after that I will immediately post something a little deeper :) Besides those who know me well, know that I have an opinion about everything right?

I guess what I am trying to say is to try to be more positive with your posts and maybe that picture of you drunk dancing on a table is not the best thing to have as your profile picture. But you don't have to be all deep to leave that legacy. I think I want my last post to be something that makes people laugh and I think I need to post a few more pictures of myself having fun so just maybe my final post will be one my girls can smile at and say, "Yep, that was my mom."

Why we should not make life choices at 20

When I was 20, I thought I knew everything. I was living on my own. I was in college and I had my whole career and life before me. I knew what I was going to be and do. Can I go back and slap that girl now?

Seventeen years later I have to say 20 year olds should not make life choices. They think that every promise they hear will be kept and they romanticize life as a grown up. At the age of 20, while there are some responsibilities that are had, they are nothing compared to what they will be responsible for in 15 years. Most 20 year olds don't have kids. Most 20 year olds are not supporting themselves 100%. Most 20 year olds are not married and most 20 year olds can not even fathom what life is going to throw at them.

I can look back at myself at 20 and laugh now as I think about how I thought I knew everything. I was sure of my future and I really did believe in the fantasy of growing up and living happily ever after. I believed the lie of all those movies there everyone road off into the sunset with all of their dreams come true.

I see 20 year olds today and I see them making the same exact mistakes that I made. They believe the fantasy. I know they probably won't listen to me, but maybe those of us who have been there done that got the t-shirt should ban together and really help these poor kids. Maybe we can have an intervention for all of them. Sit them down and tell them all the things we have learned since the age of 20. However, I also know my wisdom comes from having lived through it myself. I have to admit a little part of me gets a small amount of joy from the thought of those immature little 20 year olds experiencing life and realizing that life is not all candy canes and lollipops.

But just the same I still have a list of things I have learned that I would like to pass on to those unsuspecting 20 year olds out there.

1. Someone is going to break your heart.

2. That dream job will not pay you what you think you are worth.

3.The career path you thought you were going to take will not happen like you thought it would. 4. Kids will change your life in huge, good and bad ways.

5. You will get wrinkles.

6.You will gain weight.

7.You will get grey hair.

8. At some point in the future you will have regrets about choices you made.

9. Someone will lie to you and you will believe them.

10. Someone won't appreciate you.

11. The happily ever after you dreamed up will have its ups and downs and it is how you deal with those that will decide whether or not your happily ever after will actually happen.

12. Promises will be broken.

13. Someone is going to fail you.

14. If you are not flexible in what you want or expect out of life nothing or no one will live up to your standards.

15. Life is not about YOUR happiness.

16. Selfish people exist and you will have to deal with them.

17. It is easy to see other people's flaws, so just remember they are seeing yours too.

18. If you have unrealistic expectations you are setting yourself up to fail.

19. No one respects that old person that never grew up.

20. The world is not here to meet YOUR needs and wants.

There are plenty more, but I think we all need to learn some things on our own. I mean after all, even though many of today's 20 year olds have been given every thing they ever wanted, they will have to learn the hard way that life does not owe them anything.

So I say to all the 20 year olds out there, don't believe the lies, grow up and please listen to those of us who know what we are talking about. Trust me, some day you will admit we are right.

Daddy issues

So you went through something bad as a kid or teen; maybe it was from a parent, maybe it was another family member or some random person. What are you doing about that?

I say this to myself for a few things that I have been working on over the years, but I also say this to other people that I talk to on a regular basis. I see people who use their past as an excuse for their current behaviors. "Oh, I did this because..." I'm calling it as I see it people, that's a cop out.

Yes or past shapes us, but are you going to let someone else make you do something you hate, or make you do something you shouldn't? Well, we shouldn't and yet, we do.

It really kind of ticks me off. It is giving power to someone else if we let what they did to us make us be less than our best. Why should they get that kind of power? People in our past made bad choices that affected us, but if we in turn make bad choices because of that then we are affecting someone else and it becomes a vicious cycle of hurt.

I know that for my own girls I don't want my mistakes to make them one day make their own bad choices. Everything we do affects someone, but we have to choose to affect them positively rather than negatively and end the cycle.

It has taken me many years to figure this out so I am hoping by putting this out there I can help someone else avoid the long journey it has taken me. We really all should be learning from other people's mistakes and making better choices. We also should learn from our own mistakes so we don't repeat them. It hurts me to see people hurting due to their own bad choices in life. I want to do what I can to help them avoid them or at least go through the repercussions of their choice and come out on the other side hopefully without having to loose something in the process.

I've taken the spiritual gifts test multiple times and empathy always ranks high on my list. I didn't understand that at first because when I first took it I was young and selfish, but someone explained it to me. He had noticed that even in my young selfishness I still was able to see things from others perspective. That ability to see things from others perspective and in effect care about how they felt has shaped my choices in life.

When I see someone making bad choices or making mistakes I try to see things from their perspective and figure out why they would make that choice. Time and again it comes back to their own personal hurt from the past. Maybe we all need counselling to get through the junk we have been carrying around with us. Imagine how much lighter you would feel if you truly let your junk go. The coolest part of this is we don't have to go through it alone. God is there for us and he also put other people in our lives to help us, but we have to accept that help. Shutting people out and turning our back on people who just want to help us is not the answer. God wants us to ask for help. He is waiting for it, but we have to let go of our own pride and ego and admit that we can't do it alone. We also can't go looking for someone who will back us up in our bad choices. Anyone who supports your bad choice is not looking out for you or your best interest. God did not put them there.

God wants the best for you. Does it stink that we were hurt in the past? You bet it does. Does God want you to wallow in that and hurt others in the process? Uh, NO! And yet everyday, that is exactly what we do. So I say to you now, stop letting your past define you!!! Do the right thing and be the person God wants you to be. You will be better for it and in turn others will be better for it as well.

I'm sorry if Daddy didn't hug you or tell you her loved you or some kid on the playground told you that you were ugly, but that is their issue not yours. "You are beautiful, you are treasured, you are sacred you are His. You were meant for so much more than all of this." (Mercy Me)

Trust

Trust is a word that can get you into trouble. On the one hand we all want people to trust us. On the other hand, once we break that trust, it is a bear to earn back. I generally am a very trusting person. You have to do something pretty bad for me not to trust you and then I will usually forgive you if you ask me to, but if you continue to break that trust then it becomes harder and harder for me to trust you again.

I do my best to be sincere in what I say even if it does not show in my face. The fact that I tend to be an honest person almost to a fault sometimes I expect the same from others. I have found lying only hurts others and in the end the truth usually comes out anyway.

We have all known someone in our life that was not honest. They may have used dishonesty to make themselves look better. They may have used it because they were insecure in who they are. There are a lot of reasons why someone might think it is OK to be dishonest, but I have rarely found a good reason. Now you may say what about protecting someone’s feelings? Well to a point I understand that, but if the truth is most likely going to come out in the end anyway all you have accomplished is hurting them further.

I am not as trusting as I used to be I will admit that. I have been lied to more than I care to admit in my life. The hard part about that is I don’t want to be an untrusting person. I want to trust people. I don’t want to put up walls to protect myself from being hurt by lies. I want to see the good in people. I may deal with depression and I may have my moments where I get angry, but I do believe that there is good in all of us. It really does take a lot for me to walk away from someone even when they have hurt me pretty bad. I keep thinking about the good things they have said or done. Maybe that makes me a glutton for punishment, but I think that we are called to look for the good in people and not assume the worst.

I think some people assume the worst in me sometimes simply because my natural relaxed face looks sad. That is just the way God made me. My mouth turns down at corners and makes me look down even when I am happy. I have even heard some say that my face does not reflect my words, so I guess this is a soapbox of mine when I want people to look for and remember the good and not assume the worst.

All that being said, I challenge you to three things, first be honest. People really do expect you to be honest, why not give them what they want? Second, expect honesty from others. We live in a rather negative world, why not expect people to tell you the truth. Finally, look for the good in others and remember that. Don’t hold onto this hurt or that hurt. Remember the good that they have said and done and stop looking for the bad. We don’t have to be miserable in life. I have a card on my mirror that says “Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.” Some days it is harder to believe that than others, I will admit, but did you ever stop to think that maybe the pain you see in someone else was put there by you either not being honest, you not looking for honesty in them or you not looking for the good in them?

God gave us each other to love and most days we do a pretty good job of that, but I think the bigger challenge that I put out there for you is to love everyone even when they seem unlovable, untrustworthy or they have hurt you. I can’t promise that your love will be returned, but at least you will know you did what you are called to do and in the end God will bless that.

Don't be a runner

There are people who when things get hard or the are afraid will run from a situation. The figure it is easier to quit rather than try it and fail or end up hurt. The name for this kind of person is a runner. I know because I used to be one. Twice I had jobs that were difficult and caused me major stress so rather than stick it out I quit. I also quit piano lessons, violin lessons and I didn't try certain things I wanted to do because of fear of failure. When I was in 9th grade I actually missed three weeks of school strait because I had missed a week when I actually was sick and I knew it would be really hard to make up all of the work I missed, so I just faked being sick for a few more weeks until my mom forced me to go back to school and face what I didn't want to face. In the end, the make up for missing three weeks of school was so much worse than if I had just gone back after one. I might not have ended up in summer school that year.

You may know a runner or you may be a runner. They may be someone who goes from job to job and it is always with the excuse of the boss was a jerk or some other lame excuse. They may play the victim, or they may go from relationship to relationship looking for that new love feeling that is always at the beginning. There are a lot of different variations of runners, but they all think that it is easier to quit than to actually work at whatever they are doing.

As I said earlier, I was a runner. What changed that? I became a mom. Suddenly I couldn't run without hurting someone else. I had to actually stick it out or my children were going to be affected. I was no longer allowed to quit because I was afraid. Having children is hard, but I am not allowed to give up and walk away, not that I would want to, but knowing that is not even an option has made me not be a runner in other areas of my life as well. I have fought harder to keep things good for them. Have I failed at times? You bet I have, but running is still not an option.

In life we always have the choice of sticking it out when things are tough or running. What I learned from it is when I did run there was always regret years later when I looked back at what I had done. I regret not finishing both of the jobs I left early. In both cases I only had one month left until they were done, but it was easier at the time to quit than to suffer through the hard part.

I have seen women especially who have the runner mentality. Sometimes it is actually from their kids and or family. I have also seen women who run from their friends. They think they are a burden to them when they have drama in their life so they close themselves off from their friends and leave their friends wondering what they did. I'll admit I have been known to do that because I was embarrassed about a situation that I was in and didn't want to admit it to them.

The problem with being a runner is it doesn't solve your problem. It may remove you from a situation, but if you are trying to avoid failing, I have news for you, quitting is failing too and there is a pretty good chance you will end up in a worse situation later or right back where you were. So many of us have a fear of failure, but I have learned that we learn just as much from failing as we do from success and you learn even more from sticking it out and seeing it through to the end because you learn how to be a finisher.

If I could go back fifteen years and talk to my 22 year old self I would tell myself to stick it out, try harder and don't let fear of failure keep you from your dreams. I have learned that I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible by sticking to what I have committed to. Is it hard sometimes and does it really stink when I am going through a slump that doesn't seem to have any hope? Yeah it does! But I can tell you I regret running a whole lot more than I will ever regret sticking it out and dealing with the hard parts. Don't even let running be an option.

We all have critics in our lives we don't need to be our own. Don't let anyone take away your dreams most especially yourself.

You are strong

Over the last year I have seen lives crumble, marriages end and people break. 2010 has not been a good year for many people. I want to say this though to all of you, especially the women who I personally have seen hurting. YOU ARE STRONG!

I know that in a world of either big egos or big insecurities a lot of women have been made to feel like they are not valid for one reason or another. Stay Home moms are made to feel bad because they have chosen to stay home and take care of their family rather than go out and have a career of their own. Moms who work are made to feel bad because they can't be their for their kids when they need them. And whether they work or not women have been made to feel bad for loving their family so much that they give up their own dreams to be there for them.

I say it is all a load of garbage. Supporting your family does not make you weak. It does not mean you have no life of your own. It means that you love your family and you are doing what we are all called to do, which is serve one another.

I have chosen to stay home and do the Marriage Playbook with my husband from home. I have followed my husband from city to city as he changed careers. I have driven my children to swim lessons, choir practice, dance class, gotten them ready for school every morning, packed lunched, washed every ones clothes, bought groceries and been there to cheer all of them on as they have done what they have wanted to do. So do I do this because I have no life? No I do this because I love my family and I am serving them and that is OK.

I think women get a bad rap for giving things up to support their family whether they work and support them financially or they stay home and support them emotionally. I am not saying that we should not have something that is our own. I personally love to read and take pictures. I enjoy hanging out with my friends or going to the movies, so i won't let it be said I have no life and all you other women out there should not let it be said about you either.

We are strong women. As I said in an earlier blog, no more buts. My heart aches for the women I have seen crushed over the last year. Their mistake if you can call it that was loving and supporting their family.

We deserve respect for what we do. We deserve love for what we do and we are strong because of what we do. God did not give us a spirit of timidity 2 Timothy 1:7, yeah I know I said that in my last blog, but it bears repeating because we keep forgetting.

When did it become wrong to serve your family? I think in our world of selfishness and worldly me-ism those of us who want to serve and help are looked down on. So I say to you, be strong in what you do, don't let someone else make choices for you and don't apologize for who you were called to be. God has a plan for you, just like he does for me :)